a lesson.. perhaps it's not a lesson...

Finally I can pass my skill test at one goal. I'm so happy and asked mom to give me a call. The examiner was a very kind teacher, unlike others lecturers, she's not only always remind me and also never threaten me. I was  super duper nervous till I kept doing deep breathing exercise and I was shivering all the way till it end, and it's really obvious. Anyway, I'm glad that I kept on practice on catheterization, and I'm also very happy to get that skills. I think I had to thank Sara and Shuang.. Although sometimes, they ignored me when they were supposed to assess my skill. Hahaha...  I forgive them because they supported me when I'm in need of support the most.

Had some cold shoulder with Indah and Aim, really thanks to all the projects and tests, that make us feel awkward when having meeting. Maybe it's because of my failure to lead them. That caused me in these situation. Who or what can I blame? I don't even know where had gone wrong. I did do some reflection but still, I can't think of any major mistakes that I had done, The only thing that came across my mind was, maybe I always talk things that are irrelevent about the subject? If that so, why they never voice out? I just don't understand, why when comes to Sara, they never talk back or just cut off her sentence? Are they really that hate me, am I really that sucks till I don't even have a chance to finish what I want to say?

I was thinking, every one also have their own problem, but when come to group project, why they can't think and act for the sake of group first instead of themselves. It's a group, we had gone through for 3 semesters already, but yet, everyone is still the same, even Yee Hung had change to become a better person if compare with the previous her. Then why the 2 of them still deproving? Or they just started to reveal themselves?

Shuang teach me a skill, she said, you must satire people with a smiley face, and must not let him or her realized that you are actually satiring him or her. Only then you had master the highest level of being a human. Hahaha... I'll try to do that in future, when I face them. Be prepared, I'm not a M'sian that can be bullied just like that. You had no idea who you are dealing with.

I'm Chan Lee Lee, Ng Sui Liew's daughter, will not be beaten easily by you all!!!! Be carefull!!

I smoked....

So out of sudden, I asked Caroline for a puff of smoke, a girl who is younger than me and we work together in Crab party. That was a brave action, because I had hesitate for quite a long time to try one. And I had tried. I didn't swallow the smoke because I know I'll addict to it if I do so.

Even though I didn't swallow the smoke but I still can feel the effect in my mouth. And finally I understand why they like to smoke because of the feeling when the smoke entered your mouth and rolling in the cavity. Can't really describe the feeling, but it's nice.

I had to stop the urge by eat ice cream and spicy stuff. Damn.. I'll never try to smoke again. I hope.. Mom, I'm sorry....

Super duper boring these days.. Even though I feel down but still don't have the mood to blog. Today is 3rd of December, again, happy 5th months anniversary of being single...

I had deleted him again, and last night, he added me again, but I had rejected. I don't want to know anything about him anymore and vice versa. Tired of all these.

School, SUCKS!!! I hate whenever it came to group project, so powerless. I think I also have problem in my attitude and behavior. Kind of give up, want to hands up the info or not, it's up to members now, will not hunt for info anymore. Hate me for these attitude.

Camwhore?? Am i spell the word correctly? Never mind... friends said some of these photos look like my mom.. happy...

That's all for today!!!

wake up..

Suddenly wake up this morning at this timing: 4am. Saw lights on, I thought I was late again. Scared me...

Kind of miss him, but there's nothing I can do...

Indah thought i was avoiding her. Actually I was.. But I said it in a very nice way, and gave her the reasons. I avoid her because I know I'll being harsh to her whenever it's come to the deadline of passing over the information to our group members. I did always hunt her for the info but it's just simply because I don't want my groups not well prepaired for the presentations. Because it is just not fair to them that most of them was on time except her. And also as a group leader, I should be fair and square to all of them. And this is also a way to show them that I'm not that bias.. Anyway, both of us sort the things out already. So I hope everything will be just fine.

Oh yeah, before I forget, Happy  5th months Anniversary to me--- being single!!! Actually it's tomorrow but I just don't want to forget about it...

And I think I like a malay guy. But I think both of us are too busy for each others... Stupid little turtle...

Lunch time performance

Just performed for the second time in school- lunch time performance. I perform a hip hop dance on 25.11.2009.

And this is also the first time i had a video of my performance.. Hahaha. I'm so proud of myself. I'm also happy that Shuang and Huali come and support me. Thanks girls.

This is the full version for my performance.

And this is my own version of performance. Thanks to Huali, so shaky...

Anyway, I'm enjoy the performance...

hahhaha

Went for a very late night movie... But this time round not going with Chin but a guy that I know from Tagged. He look nice and neat, handsome. Hahaha.. But no chance because he is a malay. Haiz.. His perfume smells nice. I like it. And i think he already have his target. Hahah.. anyway, it's really nice to have a movie with a handsome tall, nice smell guy. Hehehe... Have a nice day everyone.

Jmd.. should i go? Actually I don't feel like going because I don't want to see her face again, so irritating.. Well, tough decision because I really don't feel like going and Ting had ask me to go, I'm not really like to reject a girl's friend's requests.. hahhaha... See whether I can wake up tomorrow.. nite.. muackx!!!

i'm not alone...

Just read one of my patient/ friend's blog which I had quite a long time didn't have a look at it already. My sincere appologize to you, my dear friend. And I feel empathy with what had happen to you because the same thing also happen to me. Just that my situation wasn't as bad as yours.
"I'm really tired about friends that push me around and not really bother of how I feel inside. I think they are just acting of being my friend. It's not that I want to say about them. Just that life has been very bad for me.
Sometimes I just feel like committing suicide. But I know if I die, I'll go to hell. And if I don't die, I'll be suffering. Feel like slashing again, but people around me will get hurt. I want to feel the pain on my skin rather than on my heart. Sometimes I act like I'm okay, but I'm not. I don't want to tell people.I just want to keep them to myself and become crazy. Which I think am now crazy. I want to cry, but no, I will hold it inside. I don't want to show my feelings to anyone and everyone."
Sorry that I qouted some of your posting, but it's all represent what I felt before and sometimes, it also occur when I really depressed now...
Slashing.. a word and a way of releasing anger, depression, emotion, and when you have no one to talk to, the best way is slash yourself.. which is not recognized by health believe model. But yet, it's the good way of stress relieve. Because I had done that quite often when I'm in secondary school, quite often in doing that. Mom doesn't know about this, because I never tell her, in another way that I don't want her to know that her daughter had slashed herself due to the pressure that she gave me.
Shocked? Hahaha... I find that slashing on the skin will make you feel better when you feel pain at the slashed site. Some blood just bleed from the tiny cuts, pinkish colour between the fine cuts. Nice to see nad nice to touch and feel also.
I know and understand the feeling because I really had gone through quite a lot of things, so sometimes, when friends want to talk to me, all the feeling and advices are not sympathy but it's empathy. I need not to sympathy anyone, (like some one had said to me that he didn't need my sympathy, and I hate when someone said that to me.), I just put myself in others shoes. Tried to but somehow, it just don't work.
By the way, I'm using library's computer to post this post. And I saw a couple just had some cold war.. hahaha.. but very soon, the guy try to sweet talk to her and do a little thing that usually a little kid will do when the mother is angry. Example: pull his gf's sleeve.. cute... hahahha... then the gf show that she's not angry by just simply kiss at the bf's cheek. Well, now, they are ok like before. See, life can be so simple...