TuRtle's MuTuAl BoYfriEnd

Little thoughts

2012-01-20T08:05:00.001+08:00

Nothing much about this posts.
I can hardly take nice pictures ever since moved back in SG.
I wanna share about my feeling which it always went to the wrong person.
About this guy whom i met a few months ago, we were once very closed.
But after some liking developed, horror part of myself revealed.
Must be curious right!! Which part of leelee is horror???
Insecure! Suspicious! That's the horror me!
I guess that's what scared him away as he disappear for 5 days straight! Hahah! Good job dude!
On my way to work actually. CNY is just 3 days ahead! Used to very excited about it but now, working life had it almost ruined.
Seeing mom was tired tidy up the room, preparing new year goods, dad don't even spare more money for her to buy extras. Using her own money for the kids to get new clothes. Somehow, she just sacrifice her money and freedom to get more for herself. I was wondering, will I become like her one day?
I asked her a quite stupid question that day as my curiosity overwhelmed me.
Mom, will you and dad leave us behind if you guys have a chance to migrate to a better place? Her answer is no. She never thought of leaving any one of us behind even though when she faced some marriage failure.
She was curious too when I popped this question to her. I said it's because his parents leave them and migrated to Boston. She thought I'll only ask this kind of question when I was young. To her, I'm a grown up. Wouldn't have this thought anymore like what almost all the kids will have: will my parents leave us one day.
Till now, I am still wondering but happy that she didn't.
Can't think properly if one day, that day, she left me behind and moved on to another life... What's the meaning of my living...
Perhaps I havent found some one who I can't live without yet. Maybe one day when I'm almost 28...
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Finally...

2012-01-14T23:15:00.002+08:00

Let's see when is my last entry.. Wow!! 25th Oct 2011!! I'm not even post an entry for my birthday!!
Ok.. Will do a brief description about my big day!
I'm quite happy with my 24th birthday. Had 4 birthday cakes in a month, received the most birthday presents ever after I had grown up.. I had to thank my mom and family for held a BBQ party exactly like I had requested. Katija was invited, although I didn't receive any present from her but I'm happy that I finally celebrated my birthday with my SG friend. (please note that I'm not such a petty person who Fwill really care whether my friends buy me any presents but at least don't break your promises. It broke my heart too..)
Then Huali and Shuang Shuang also celebrated my birthday at jurong point. They bought me a chocolate cake. While a work place, REMC also bought me a fairy tale strawberry cake from Four Leaves! Love that cake! This is how they gave me the surprise: Ayunie kept asking me about the appointment thingy when I said I wanna pee!! Then yi teng bring in the fairy cake!! Wow! I thought they had forgotten it because we were freaking busy that Monday! And my present from them was a pink wallet from Charles and Keith! And Peng chin also got me pink lady like bag from Thailand as she went there for holiday with Bf!! I'm glad she found her happiness!
I mentioned 4 cakes right! Another cake was for my mom! I spend quite a lot for mom that birthday! Because I bought her a diamond ring, a green tea flavor cake which taste awfully weird, a dinner for my family! Wow! I'm so proud of myself! Of course mom was happy and wear it every day!

Hmm.. What else is that so happening! Oh ya! I had moved back to SG! That was when I had stopped updating my blog! Not busy with life but just have no idea on what to blog..

Yes! Christmas! Celebrated with Peng chin at TGIF! what a waste of money dining there! Food was salty, oily and not full filing at all! The most of all its freaking expensive! Not worth my money! Peng chin bought me my long time craves! The Body Shop's perfume set!

Like seriously finally some one got me this! Which I hesitated to buy it myself! I almost forgot that I was once want it so badly!!
Thanks Peng chin for remembering it! And guess what I got for her?? A bolster! Ya I know! I'm that kind of person will buy things that my friend need no matter what they want but of course price will always be the main concerns! Muahaha!!
Then REMC also celebrated christmas at can't remember the buffet place which located at Raffles City. Food was not worth the money as well but it's not from my wallet therefore it's fine with me! Oops! Hahah! I got a makeup set from Ayunie and I got a few stuffs for yi teng! She's happy as I can see!

No photos because I lost my camera! Can you believe it? I lost almost everything except my own head!
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playing with fire

2011-10-29T13:38:00.000+08:00

I met him after 1 yr.. He didn't changed much except for being a damn smoker!! He changed his car, from small to big..
We meet up after 1 yr.. I have lots of imagination before i met him. Most of them happened.. I cried.. we kissed, cuddled.. He asked me why am i crying.. How can i answer this silly question..
He said he know that i missed him from the way i kiss. Then don't ask that silly question why am i crying.. He is a big fat idiot..
Promised to meet up again.. And i think we are playing with fire..
Meet up as friend, want to meet up more often, then more and more often, feel jealous when his phone rang, kept on persuading myself "we are impossible", "i'm just his friend", "don't ever think about that". Sooner or later i'll want more from him...
I don't know how honest he is when we meet up.. but at least i'm honest.. "no one but him".
After that night, i feel that i'm full with love.. but after that night, i know one day, i have to wake up.. he is not mine..
Family and love, i chose family.. That's what i should bear in mind..
Even now, I miss him still.. Sickening leelee... always love the wrong person...

my simple birthday celebration

2011-10-18T18:08:00.001+08:00

10th Oct 2011... I officially turn into 23 yrs old. Doesn't sounds old at all.. Hmm.. I must say that I had the most birthday cakes ever eaten among my whole life till 23 yrs!!

Total 3 cakes for myself, 1 cake for Ayuni's birthday which is today. Another 1 will be mom's.

On 8th Oct, Katija came over to my house for BBQ for the 1st time after we know each other for more than 3 yrs. I'm happy that she can make it for me. Thanks LOVE!!

No present on 8th Oct, but I have a total of RM300 of Ang Pao!! Muahaha

After that Katija went back to Singapore and I continue to stay at home rotting!!!

On 10th Oct, the actual day of my birthday. I went to work as usual, it's a Monday!! Well, Monday was busy. I thought they were forgotten about my birthday as everyone was freaking busy with their work. I wanted to have lunch with Ayuni but she rejected me because she had lots of things to finish up. Then I had my lunch with Poh Lian instead. I guess i was being pampered by Yi Teng as she accompanied me for lunch everyday during my night. After busying with all the work, finally i can breath, Ayuni caught me up by asking me lots of questions about the appointment. But i was wanted to pee!! And then they surprise me with the cake!

Ok! I cop this pic from Ayuni's Facebook! I love the cake, !st time I love a white non-choc cake!!

I met Shuang and Huali after work at Jurong Point for dinner! They looked gorgeous! With DRESSES!!

Yup, after some hesitation, we decided to have dinner at Thai Express!

2011-09-30T22:18:00.001+08:00

Well. I know I look fat in this pic! Look at the plumb face!! Hahah!! Almost the same size like the pamelo!!
Photo taken by Sin Hui.. The naughtiest girl in the class.. What will happen to her or should I say what's her future if she did not change her behavior? She wasn't that bad if we talk nicely to her.. I guess.. But I just dont understand why is she behaved in such a way to make others hate her so much.. Is it personality or attention seeker??
I Do not want my good intention to talk to her about her bahavior become a scolding to her impression!
I miss those children!! Will not see them for a month.. It feels like just a year!! Haha! Wonder whether they miss me or not..
I wanted to post about the children's day celebration with them.. But sadly.. Internet connection super sucks! Can't even log in to msn!!
Blogging about them made my day..- at least now my attention stopped at the happy memory..
Out of sudden... I feel hungry! Lol!
Don't dare to add those children in Facebook because I scared they might saw my ugly side! Hahah!!!
They say I'm like a big baby! So childish! This is the way they say: leelee Lao shi, why r u so childish?? ( must use their cute voice and action!)
Hahahah!!!

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A gift for my hard work and effort!!

2011-09-20T21:15:00.001+08:00

This is the gift that given by Evelyn and Joyce from Haiyin!
Laneige- a Korean product that endorsed by Song Hye Kio.
Wow!! Branded stuff!!
And for your information, Evelyn and Joyce know me for not more than months but yet they put in effort to get me something. I'm so freaking surprised!!
Ok! just want to show off!! Bye!

-

It smells nice too!!

It's actually a sleeping mask. Sleep without rinsing off. Feels light and not sticky at all. Most important is I'm not allergic to it!!!
Hmm.. Maybe should observe my skin after 1 month!! Tata!!
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Mid autumn festival celebration @ hai yin

2011-09-16T08:18:00.002+08:00

Love the celebration! My 1st celebration at haiyin which is 1st time celebration without family! Hahaha! But all these Cool kids made my day!
I reached there around 3pm. We started rehearsal and practice around 3.30pm. The performance start at 7pm! Which means I hanged with them for like almost 4 hrs!! And for your information, hanging with 20 over kids are like working 3 days straight! With all the questions, gestures, actions, OMG! freaking tiring! I used up all my energy just tobget hyper with them! But thank god, everything was smooth with all the other teachers help! Guess this is the most meaningful year for me! Let's view the photos!

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Cute little boy who want to learn hip hop! I'll try my best to teach them cool dance! Hehehe!
Will be going there again this Sunday! Love Sunday!!
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海印宝宝

2011-09-05T08:19:00.001+08:00

Sunday!! The day that I spend with them! I'm exhausted yet happy with the time that I spent with these students. I doesn't feel my life is not meaningful when I'm at hai yin!!!

1st picture that we took together!!

My 1st teacher's day's present!! I was so touched when a student passed me the present! All my effort were not in vein!! The tiredness gone when I saw them dancing, even though they r not as perfect as a dancer should be. I'm so freaking proud of them! I hope we can do this again next year!
And we played singapore's version of "where's the 10cent coin??" so funny!!! Can't even guess correctly as they are all such a good actors! Muahaha!
But on top of happy things, there's 2 students who didn't pay full attention when we practice... Shamed on me that I blow my top on them....
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2011-09-01T21:01:00.001+08:00

What's in my mind?? I have freaking no idea...
I felt sad when I received the news that I can't move back to SG this month. Sad but what to do when I chose to leave that house at the 1st place?? I thought I should leave that house and PC since there's some conflicts that happened between us. But after I stay at Lynn's house for such a long period, I realized there's no 1 can be PC's substitute. I was wrong when I thought or I assumed that she doesn't suits me anymore. Well, I really apologized about how I feel about u for the past few months.. Human learned by making mistakes.. But this is just a minor mistakes that I had done so far and still can manage to fix it in the future. But sometimes, there's mistakes that can't be made up for anyone once it's done..
At times, human learned and afraid of loosing some body that we loved the most, yet, we tend to make more mistakes to that particular person..
Justin had keep asking me to be his gf, but still there's an instinct that lead me to keep thinking that he is more concern about the love that I can give him on the bed.. I'm sorry but all the evidences just showed that's what he want.. Perhaps I was wrong again with my assumptions.. But I just can't persuade myself that he is true to me.
Even Melvyn also the same at times.. Guys..
God knows everything.. They said.. He knows the best for us..
Life.. At times is a torture for me.. Mom is my priority, no matter how long, how fast time past.. I had forgotten since when mom had become so important to me.. I feel that I only live because of her existence..
Not wrong but not absolutely correct as well...
Dreams, money, reality. What make us in the future? What make me now? Dream? Money? Passion of living? I have no idea..
I don't want my life is just surrounded with work.. I had finally found something else that I find it's worth fighting for. Something that meant more than couple love.. Love that I shared with Buddha.. Those kids.. They made my day..

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You shouldn't...

2011-08-10T19:19:00.001+08:00

Oops!! Sorry! Photos can't be rotated from iPad!!
Behind those smiles.. Hidden lots of problems and tears... Especially it's mine..
I shouldn't accept your request.. Now my heart pounded... Brain think all the nonsenses..
Mind flying.. Everything wasn't on it's path anymore..
I used 1 yrs time to forget but only a few massages reminded me about the past..
Oh god.. Why??
Heart ache like burning hell.. Really.. Freaking ache.. Much more painful when I saw each and every of your reply..
I think my 2nd birthday wish will be: god, pls take away my memories.. Be it sweet, nice, good, painful, negative or whatever it is.. Make it disappear pls... I beg you..

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Way home....

2011-08-08T19:48:00.001+08:00

Tomorrow is public holiday.. Singapore's national day!! Thank god finally a public holiday!! A day that I can rest.. At least for a few hours.. Although still need to tidy up the room...
Well there's no perfect life for human though! Face the reality wierdo!
Diana left us.. Sad!! When I have problem, I still wanted to shout her name!! Omg.. She's a very good supervisor that I ever met..

Diana and me..

Diana & daphne!! And a passbyer.. Joanne...

Dr. Gv & Diana!!!
Actually still have lots of photos that we had taken at REMC.. But all in my camera.. Not uploaded yet!!
Miss her load!! Hope she's much more happier there although I wish she can be with us all the time!!
Cut my hair!! Love the fringe!!

Yesterday's look!

Fresh morning look!!

Tired after work look!! Spot the different?? Of cause..
Before Diana left REMC, she taught me a few very important working skills.. One of the skill or should I say attitude, never trust anyone for the work.. Ex: must check even thought it's the senior who prepare the paper or something like that! Well, it work but more work to do..
Kampateh wierdo!!!
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Hai yin

2011-08-01T19:29:00.001+08:00

No photos taken there, because everyone is busy with the preparation for the mid autumn festival celebration.
Taught P4P5 students the hip hop dance! Freaking tiring! More than 10 of them, only a few are fast learner... But seeing them learning seriously, with that attitude, I'm happy Even though I have to fight with their voices and trying hard to simplify everything for them!
I don't feel back ache when I dance! What a miracle! But it just get worse when I stop moving.. Feel so old.. It's freaking old! Or more like fucking pain! Kaka!!
I didn't expect Lynn will be there that day.. Surprised that she will call me on Saturday night!! But I should appreciate her help.. I should right? Sometimes, I just pity her, but hates her at times.. So sorry.. Dharma teaches us to forgive and forget.. I'm not too sure whether I had already did that.. No doubt that I appreciate what she had sacrificed for me for the past 6 months, but at times, she'll just ended up irritate me with something else..
I want k-box! I didn't go for months! Can't get a good companion for that. Except peng chin!! Muahaha!! Miss her lots!!
Good news is I'm moving back to AMK aunti's house with $275 monthly rental!! Freaking cheap man! But auntie said I have to close the door lightly.. Errr!! Since when I bang the door? Most of the time, I'm just accidentally banged the door!! ACCIDENTALLY!! hahaha!!!
Ok!! Enough for the nonsense!!
Diana is leaving soon.. I'll be facing lots of problem in the future!!
Look at Diana!!! She' frea king cute!!

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Location:Mandai Rd,Singapore,Singapore

Crazy days!!

2011-07-20T20:12:00.001+08:00

I guess my biggest interest of living now will be download more photography apps and camwhore!! Love camwhore with all the instant effect and load them to Facebook without all the transferring. Perhaps camera should have this function!! Hahaha!!
I actually cried in the mrt yesterday.. Tears continue dropping even I'm in the causeway bus, it just fall like a water fall with no control. Plus late sleeping, my eyes swollen like a curry puff!! Dark and puffy!! But with no curry flavor of cause...
This is how I looked like early in the morning when I reached clinic...

Mom scolded bro last night. I have no idea how to help mom and bro. Such a big failure as the eldest daughter and sister. Sad! Worry! But what else can I do except talk to bro about the future and study. Advices already given but no improvement. Is it because of he is still too young, still a pea sized brain?? Perhaps tougher life will help him to develop the brain size? Scolding and canning ain't work for a big size guy, what to do when we tried fucking hard to save his future but he insist to destroy it with his own pea size brain? It's kind of ridiculous for me to sacrifice and pretend to be a good sister, a good role model!! Argh!! Maybe what I can do is be more strict to him when he ask me to get something for him..
Save my pocket!! Muahah,, what kind of sister I am?? Sucks!!

And have a look at my funny sister!! Shameless!!!
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Location:In the bus...

2nd fucking tiring week!!

2011-07-18T06:45:00.001+08:00

1st few days still tolerable, today is just the starts of the 2nd week. I'm like a fucking dead zombie!!
Freaking tiring like no body's business!! Only now I realized how hard to survive in this reality!!
6 more weeks to go before I can move back to sg!! Mustn't fall sick!!
Almost 2 months working at REMC, work load getting more and more... So much work but so little rest.. I can't wait for public holiday so that I can sleep the whole fucking day!!

Love u mom!! Thx for the food!!
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Day 2 journey to the north

2011-07-12T18:59:00.001+08:00

Day 2!! How do i looked? Fresh enough? I guess so.. Maybe its because of mom's fantastic cooking that she fed me for 2 days!! Love her cooking!!

Ok!! Me after work in the train!! How was it? Still ok right? Except for my lower limb pain as in lower back if i'm not worng.. I think the last time i have this problem is when i'm with Ridzuan. He bought me a few koyok, and it touched my heart loads because no 1 will really care and surprise me like he did.
Leelee!! Wake up!! It's over!!
Alright!! I'm fucking awake ok?? Just that the pain reminded me of him..
Then do something to make the pain go away and forget about him!! You're such a big fucking idiot, big fat sotong head!!
Alright!! Stop scolding me!!

Leelee is crazy.. Too much self talking!! Split personality... Omg!!
Maybe one day i can act a short video on me self talking!!! Muhahahah!!

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1st day of traveling!

2011-07-11T13:55:00.001+08:00

1st day of traveling from m'sia to sg. Freaking tiring... Well, as usual, those passengers are idiots who don't know how to give ways or be more clever or what so ever the term that they usually use, blocking the main door, the bus driver didn't want to depart as there's still have lots of other pathetic passangers like me stuck out there. But to them, passangers in the bus, was wondering and angry because they were stucked there for quite some time. As if they were more co-operating, maybe they can reach sg earlier than the schedule. Stupid adults!!!
I reached work place quite early today. Aurea came and asked "why are you so early today? Aren't you work 10-7pm? How can you come at your own timing?" haiz.. Then joanne also ask me why am i came over so early? Sucks.. Sotong head me feel like am i came at the wrong timing?? After that i ask diana as i remember she ask me to come over at 8.30am as they need more ppl for the whole month..
Leelee!! You must have more confident!! If not how are you going to survive in this world??
Ok.. I know.. Hahah
Now let you all see my pretty face before start of work..

That's all for today!! Love mom's cooking! Freaking full!!

My new hot stuff

2011-07-09T07:30:00.000+08:00

I just bought a ipad 2. I'm kind of happy and maybe a little sad..
Happy its because i can finally get something nice to be cool with..
Sad because my wallet burned a big fucking hole. And starhub customer service sucks like hell!! When the lady served me, how i hope Wan can be with me, he will surely fuck that girl really upside down..
Yesterday wasnn't my day. Qeue up, pending just because i don't have sg address, they don't allow me to sign up a new line. Shit like hell. And the worse thing is my vulgarity to the max.. Luckily it's peng chin who accompanied me, if for my other friends, they will sure get angry with me.
Alright, enough of talking. Let have a look at mt new ipad 2 case. I can't take my ipad 2 with ipad, so ipad just looked like an ipad2 lo.. Hahaha

My kitty casing!!! Love it to the max!! And the price too... Cheapskate like me.. Heart-ache because it cost me $67.90, both casing and screen protector.. I swear i'm gonna use it for at least 6 months...
Then the 1st batch of photos using my ipad!!!

Ok.. How's it?? So far so good la..
Shall i name my ipad?? Kitty pad? Eeww.. It sounds like ladies pad... What about baby kitty?? But is it a must to name it?? Never mind..
Not owning an iphone, but ipad will also can do a great job for me.. I hope my sister will have good time playing the games.. And mom will not scold me.. And hereby, i announce myself as REAL BROKE!!!

1st outing with REMC fellows!!

2011-07-03T12:29:00.001+08:00

This is my 1st time hanging around with Ayunie and Yie Ting! It's fun to hang around with them because they are really polite unlike me. And we were hanging around Arab street!! =) And some are taken with Yie Ting in the clinic. Oh well, i know you guys know how to differentiate between indoors and outdoors right? so just enjoy all these nice photos!!

Actually still hv lots of nice phots but not gonna post all here, can go to facebook and have a browse!!

Although Ayunie doesnt have a great body shape but she has lots great posts for cool photos shootings!! Yie Ting is a nice girl who concern about her colleagues!! Glad to have such a bunch of good colleagues!! Makes my life in REMC more meaningful now!! Happy working!!

Blame yourself..

2011-07-01T19:15:00.000+08:00

Hey!! You brought all these to yourself! Remember??

Well.. What to do when i felt comfortable walking around the street from Orchard- somerset- dhouby ghout- clark quay- woodlands??

Ever since the day i know him? Lee lee, your a fucking idiot!!

Ok fine!! I'll refrain myself from seeing him on weekdays!!

Ouh!! I miss mommy... Should I go home next week? But if i go home next week, what about the sunday class? Who's going to teach them? Well, I'm not trying to think high about myself but no1 know the dance except me although I myself can't really remember well the dance steps.. How??

Life's full with fucking dilemma and need to make loads of choices.. But what to do when your not the only god in your life. There's loads of factors that affect your emotions, decisions, perspectives, and most of all, their actions will really really affect your respects to them.

I love to say "from now on, if she/he #$%%, i'm sure i'm gonna #$$%%^

In the end, i'm just a bitch with a big mouth who like to talk big! Some1 says m'sian like to talk big and zero action. Hmm!! Leelee, can please be nice? You're such a bitch you know. Well, I know but I cant help it. There's a fucking devil in me. The inner me. =.=

The next thing is move house. Haiz.. I cant wait to move out and stay with PC, but PC currently has no money. If i pay all the rental thingy for her 1st, I'll be broke like real broke.. So as a conclusion, be a rich fellow next life!! Or I should move back to m'sia and come back and forth between m'sia n sg? I really miss mommy.. should i consult her about this? but i don't wanna make her worry again... Sian!!!

Next question is: Actually this is kind of big question.. what do i want in my life? As in this life? People like to ask me to move on.. Am i not moving on? or i'm still stepping on the ground which make me looked like i'm moving on? Just like shuffle.. Muahah...

Life's tiring.. even though I kept on go to the Buddhist association, but my suicidal thought has not disappear... What the point of being good when i'm there and being a slut when i'm not? A good question to ask either..

If i really look into my life, I should be happy because i have lots of things. Like, i do not have to beg for food and money, i have all my organs in my body, nothing extra nothing missing. I have double eye lids, a pretty mouth although extra hair growing. I'm not like fucking fat till can't even fit into a skinny jeans which is size 30. I can still afford a meal per day, my family is still alive. I got a job although sometimes i need to transform into a octopus.. i know and i can put on a nice make up on my face, i know how to dress up, i have a least 3 nice shoes, 10 nice outfits, a laptop full with stickers.

Fine!! I'll be satisfied with what I have and what I have extra!! Cheers to the world!!

a letter to 2 guys...

2011-06-22T19:38:00.000+08:00

Dear Wan and Justin:

I had a thought about the 2 of you. Whenever you guys messaged me, it indicates a few things.

1. You guys need sex.

2. You guys wanted to have fun.

3. You guys are bored and can't find any girl who is much more dumb dumb than i am.

As a conclusion, you guys went out with me with only 1 motive, get laid!!

No matter what you guys told me,

"i love you"

"i miss you"

"i think you're the girl that i'm looking for."

"i like you because you're straight forward" This sentence sounds fucking good because it's also simply means "you're also straight forward to the bed in a hotel room"

Please stop telling me that "I'm looking for a girl who i can spend the rest of my time with, i want a serious relationship, fuck buddy aint what i'm looking for..."

All these are fucking bullshits!! These only means " I'm looking for a girl who i can fuck with whenever i need a hole to put my penis into it, fuck buddy aint what i'm looking for because i want a woman whom i can seek for some warmth and call her a wife..."

Perhaps i'm wrong.. but interpret all these into a dirty stuffs seems make myself feel better and i think i just cant stop building up fire wall to protect my heart...

I was wondering: Will i ever fall in love again? Why am i still here, living?

Dharma teaches us to appreciate, i do want to do so.. believe me... i really do.. but whenever things come to guys, i'm fucking lost... sometimes, we don't just live for a man-woman love, but friendship, family, work...

But the sad thing is these 3 things add up also cant be compared with man-woman love... Am i right?

God knows the best for me...

2011-06-19T19:20:00.001+08:00

Our creation, Lynn and i had prepared for this year's mid-autumn festival at Haiyin. A buddhist association that i joined few months ago. I'm not too sure whether its the correct way of saying this- buddhist association, or something else. But i'm totally enjoyed the 2 hours that spent with the children.

This would be my 1st trial for the beginning of the dance. I had just choreographed 3/4 of the dance and left with some lyrics, but my brain ain't working after i ate my dinner. So maybe later?? Hahaha.. ok... i'll do it later because i only left with 1 week time to finish up the video.

next would be Lynn's video...

Ok. I hope you guys enjoy the video. I'll post up the complete video as soon as i've done with it! I promise!! Muahaha

blame no one =(

2011-06-15T18:48:00.000+08:00

I always blame and ask why is this kept happening on me. I couldn't find an answer and kept thinking that it might be fated this way for me. But just now i realized that it's not fated but it's my own action that caused all these to happen.

What had I done? From past relationship, Ridzuan, I had learned my lesson not to date or know any malay guy anymore. But now i did it again. Serves me right if i get hurt from this friendship. Today will be the 3rd date if i manage to go out with him. I find him quite cute and love to be with him as he really can tolerate me talking non-stop for 3 hrs during our 1st meeting. Hahaha and no matter how mean i am, he will not lay his hands on me. I don't understand why i always attracted to a person that i cant have a happy ending with. Perhaps I should make this our last date?? But while waiting, i feel sad deep down in my heart. Like crying non-stop.. feel pain... I don't know how to tell all this to my girls.. i feel shame to tell them all these...

Shame on you leelee!! Shame on you!!

I'm so confused... "as long as you're happy" can no longer be use in my love life anymore... only can be use for others like my PSO job, attend to Haiyin every weekend... that's the only thing that i had done right in my life.

My life is in a mess... but no body knows that... but now i think some will know... I always screwed up my life and my body.. I must control myself from becoming an alcoholic... but beer really make me feel at ease.. like a lavender calm oil, something like that...

Oh ya.. i met a chinese guy also. and he has Wei long's look!! Freaks!! okok.. how does he had his feel?? Let me tell you.. his fingers looked like his. His spectacles looked alike. His hug feels alike. Omg... what else?? I'm totally lost when i found out that he actually stay at Hougang and parents had divorced.. what a fucking coincidence.. this is crazy... but a totally different would be the age.. he is 33 this year.. 10 yrs older than i am. Cool right??

I was wondering should i just bury myself under the deep deep sea so that i'll not appear on the lala land anymore!!

Good thing about my work is, i can use the patient use desktop to blog while waiting for a unwanted idiot who just msg me and ask me to go home after i had waited for more than an hour!! How stupid i am... YES!! i know!! STUPID!! and not worth it.. but but but... i just wanna see him.. that's all...

Ok!! Fine!! i'll make this our last meeting!! How about that?? Erm... If i can just ignore his msg that ask me out suddenly.. like so random... arghh!! scolding people and telling them that it's stupid and not worth to wait for a guy for hours!! And now.. i'm the idiot...

Questions... wonders...

2011-05-17T21:36:00.001+08:00

I had a terrible mood swing right now... why? No idea.. I guess it's because of him... yes.. i'm in a relationship again.. Fast food relationship... what more??

It was totally different.. no heart pounding.. not experiencing any honey moon period...

Why? I don't know... I think there's 1 common thing about guy.. sex.. yes.. it's sex..

It's killing me whenever a relationship comes to sex.. they say you can feel the love via sex.. its true but is it the only way??

I hate myself.. because i'm the 1 who ruined my life and my happiness... I can only blamed myself.. what more??

I hate waiting for messages, I don't expect much but at least let me know that you are busy with something and not letting me wait for nothing..

I hate when there's no exact timing to meet. It makes me feel so lousy.. not so.. its fucking lousy.. like i'm the last person you wanted to see.. i should be more understanding because you are working.. Am i right?

And i hate myself more.. i don't even dare to tell him all these.. I don't even dare to tell him why i'm having this terrible mood swing... and i'm fucking repeating the same mistakes that i always done...

I just hate telling people how much i dislike the behavior... ended up suffer on my own.. i'm so useless...

I can't feel anything anymore... I'm so lost... freaking lost...I seems like doesn't know him.. so superficial..

I think there's some good things if he never add me in facebook or chat via msn. He will not know what exactly in my mind, what i spouts nonsense... what i had done.. the immediate emotions and feelings. But it certainly is not good for a relationship..

I can't wait to get myself busy with work... just like what i always do... i think being single for 7 months does left a great impact on me... too focus on myself..

I promise to myself that i'm put in more effort to change because i want to cherish my own life and happiness..

My best buys on 15.05.2011

2011-05-17T10:52:00.002+08:00

OK. All these are my best buys for the day. I was wanted to get fake eye lashes at SASA, and i only likes that particular brand of eye lashes. Maybe it's because i never try out others yet. But no worries, more to come!!

It was on last Sunday, just finish my "duty" to helped out at Hai Yin. I'm alone but quite happy with the early celebration of Wesak Day with those kids. And guess what? They remembered my name!! LeeLee lao shi!! Hahaha! I'm so happy! It's not easy for kids to remember your name and they can even spelled it out! That's amazing!

After that I dropped by at Bishan. My 1st stop is The Faceshop. Actually I just wanted to get 3 nail polishes, as 1 for $2.90. But it was the last day of sales, 4 for $10, and i saved $1.60. I get 8 for $20, saved $2.30. These are the colours that I bought.

And these are my 1st OPI nail polishes. 2 for RM50. I'm not sure whether i got it with higher price or it's just nice.

These are my medicure tools. It's not that complete but basics are here. I'm still looking for some sorts of solution that can soften the cuticles. Massage scrubs, and hand lotion with fruity smell.

Then I did some price survey at Watsons and SASA.OK. I couldn't find any nice fake eye lashes with good price at Watsons, so I mingled around at SASA. I just get back the same brand of fake eye lashes. It's 10 pairs in a box, $21.90. There another cheaper one, $5.00 for 10 pairs too. But i'm kind of not into the material so I chose the expensive one. Then have to pay more la! The brand name is Sasatinnie, and I wanted Dolly looked but only sexy looked left, so I chose the sexy looked. *It's supposed to be "looked" or "mode"? But I personally like "mode"....*

OK. I guess I'm just too obsessed with those famous blogger's style, took my photos with the products. Hahah.. not much creativity shown... But I do like my skin texture in this photo. It's looked so smooth, can you tell that i'm wearing fake lashes? Nope. I don't think so. Hehe.. Fine! It's my weakness that I don't know how to use photoshop. Well FINE!! I'm lazy to learn!! Happy?? Hahah...

Then i headed back to Watsons. And guess what i accidentally found!!

Majolica Majorca eye shadows palettes are on sales!! Yes!! SALES!! Watsons Buffet Sales!! I love Watsons!!

I had been eyed on this brand's eye shadows for long long time ago! And this day finally came! SALES!

Usual price for a Jewelling eye shadows palette is $27.50. And now with the Buffet Sales, it's just 3 for $50. I saved $32.50!! Isn't that amazing! I'm fucking lucky for that Sunday!

And apple mask from Taiwan, it's $14.90. 10 pieces inside, so 1 piece of mask cost me like $1.49. With $1.49 i can be a pretty lady with smaller pores!! Hahaha!! I love cheap stuffs! I'm a cheapo, i know.. no need to give me this face =_= haha!!

The total spending was $108.80. Wow!! This is the fastest way to get broke!! But with all these purchases, I guess they can last me for the next 6 month?? But definitely not the masks.

And now!! It's camwhore time!! It doesn't turned up as nice as before. As in the skill, the eyes, the smile, fucking fake la!! Let's see ok?

Fake smile and stoned! nose become bigger!!

Can see?? My fake lashes.... Not so obvious huh...

I like this photo! It look so innocent!! I said "LOOKED" Fine!! I'm not innocent in nature! I'm a bitch happy? But I'm a pretty sexy bitch!! Kakaka!! =)

Next challenges that i'm going to face are:

1. keep long hair. Lots of my close friends said i cant keep long hair. Even mom said so. But i wanted to prove to them that i can although i have the urge to cut my hair again =(

2.medicure and pedicure. Still learning in process. I wanted to starts a small business like went over customer's house to do the treatment for them. But as all know, my self confident is fucking low, and i'm scared that i cant make it and couldn't find my way there! hahah... that's what i most worried about>>> GET LOST IN SG!!

3. Part time job. Intended to go back to Soup Restaurant to work. But i'm not sure whether I'll wear myself out. Time!! All i need is just do a proper schedule then i should be safe...

4. To continue my freezed saving plan with Prudential! I must save right? So that i'll have money to get a scooter for myself! A pink scooter! Muahah!!

5. To gain more working experience! Excited to start work tomorrow but I'm nervous too as I know almost nothing. Starts from zero just like the 1st time i came to SG!! So blurred! I will post about my 1st time being enrolled in NYP on the next post! If i have time lah.. =X

Ok, Finally all the best to myself and to those humans that I concerned about!! I'll try my best to achieve my goal in life! Thank you for being to patience to my CRAPS!!

I want!! I want!!

2011-05-14T16:37:00.000+08:00

I want fucking lots of things!! Especially make up stuffs..I kept on thinking should i practice a full make up whenever i go out?? Like starts with foundation, blushers, lipsticks and lip gloss. Usually I'll only put on eye shadows and mascara, more on natural and without any fake accessories on my face. So called fake accessories are like fake eye lashes, double eye lid stickers but eye lid fibre is much more popular now and looked much more natural and better. But currently I'm kind of obsess on fake eye lashes. Well, I want to try dolly looked and put on fake lower eye lid lashes. And try to put on full make ups which i'm lacked of right now. I love Maybelline products. But i'm still trying to save up some money to get these foundations and blushers. This post is more like my dream.. So DREAM ON!!

These are only a few products that i found online. Actually Maybelline have whole series of make ups products but if considered the prices, I'm not sure whether its worth my money as i never used them before. I'm not sure which kind of foundation suits me, as i'm kind of sweaty person so i'm scared that i might waste my money after purchase them and just left there.
Ok. Now i want fake eye lashes. I want some dolly looked. Like this:

Perhaps I should starts with getting these kind of fake lashes:

Muahahah!! Ok!! I'm having a fucking early day dream. And i was wishing to change my image from this to this:

Hahaha!! Maybe PHOTOSHOP really needed to change me from ugly Betty to pretty Ayumi Hamasaki.
But no worry. I believe in " There's no UGLY woman in this world, only LAZY woman." I totally agreed with this. As lazy woman will totally lose if they don't work hard in earning more income, lazy in using or applying all these beauty products on their face!! I think none of these should or can be short cut unless, you were born with golden key in your hands. Then you can sure enjoy all the best of beauty products in the world.

One of my friend say:" Do you know why those rich woman/ man willing to spend more money on expensive products? It's because they believed in QUALITY not QUANTITY." I'm speechless because I think she was right. But what about people like us? Who is still studying and wanted to get pretty? Or who is poor like hell and still wanted to be pretty?
Actually no worry for that!! People like us, like you and me, who are stingy to get expensive products like SK2, Lancome, or other series of products that cost you $400++, and according to those salesperson, the whole series can last you for 6 months. I'm not sure whether any one of my friend who read this will want to buy these products, but surely not for me.
OK. Enough of craps. The solution is: Get $50 and go to Fairprice or any other organic shops, get some organic tomatoes, olive oil, eggs, brown sugar and fine salt. Some are for you to consume of course, but some can be used as your own beauty products.
For example, Organic tomatoes contained anti-oxidants, good for skin as food, and it can become an organic scrubs if combine it with brown sugar. You can find out more with video by Michelle Phan aka Rice Bunny. I tried the brown sugar scrub and it was great. But not to do it too often. Have to remember to really clean up the bathroom before you left because will leads to a lot of ants visit!!
Well. I love Michelle Phan's video!!
Lets work hard for a better skin and future!!

Ridiculous...

2011-05-12T15:57:00.000+08:00

Another funny ridiculous message from tagged.com.
Sent by a guy named Timo, 26 chines male. Profile said that photo will be given upon request. It seems like he is scared of people will found out who he is but yet he is still doing this kind of business. And i accidentally deleted his message when i clicked to view his profile. So this is how it goes:

Little weirdo: hi.. can u resend me ur 1st msg tat u sent me?? i accidentally deleted it b4 i could read it.. thx..

Timo: haha okok no prob. i was askin whether u be interested in freelance?

Little weirdo: wat kind of freelance??

Timo: i know this is crazy but freelance in providing services like handjob blowjob or everythin but all up to ur comfort level and b4 u commit i can show u how i look like first and it discreet and of cos with protection ...and also u can name wat u willin to do and not willin to do or wat u like and dislike..i know it crazy and everythin but hope u r willin do get back to me ok thanks.

Little weirdo: Hmmm... How much is it??

Timo: well im not so rich only pay 50 per hr though u willin to do?

little weirdo: How should i do it??

Timo: that easy we will meet up n proceed to a hotel lor lol...then i pay u 100 for 2 hrs u do wat i ask u to do for me that all...and of cos with condoms ....less when doin blowjob ...

little weirdo: But do u mind to do it with a guy? Coz i'm a guy.

Timo: wtf?

little weirdo: ouh.. so u only want to do it with girl??

timo: of cos la ..............but ur pic show u r a gal leh

little weirdo: Its me, i undergone a transexual surgery few yrs ago. But still hv my penis with me. so how?? do u still want it?

Timo: no thank u enjoy urself then bb

Hahahah!!! This is damn fun! I hope he will learned his lesson that not to believe on what is posted in any website!! And what's more is never messed up with LITTLE WEIRDO!!

I hope he will not see this post or else I had no idea how he will react towards this. Erm, I think i had to state this clear.. I'm not trying to make all this huge, but its part of my life to encounter all these funny things!! All these will always pull me back on earth despite just blindly believe how pretty this world is deep down in my heart. And it's also is an entertainment for my friends!!

my wonders..

2011-05-08T02:37:00.000+08:00

I was wondering why he didn't reply my sms... i asked him, he said:" No leh, your last msg was" Hmmm, ok."
I was so speechless... Well, looks like i still have a lot of things need to learn about this man...
I hope we can work something out...

Another stupid message.

2011-05-01T18:46:00.004+08:00

Well, i received this message via Tagged.com. This is fucking funny!!! Let me show you guys the message, but some of the email address that he sent me, i didn't put in because i respect his privacy.. wakakaka...

*Hi sweet I am sorry to disturb you I am from Pakistan I like you and want marry with you forever and spend my rest of life with you in your country forever if you agree with me so now we are the friend after knowing each other I need your final decision really I am serious honest loving sincere no game no lie I saw your good profile and beautiful smart young picture I am working in the office or University of Engineering from the last 30 years I am permanent Govt employee., I like your country, people, tradition, People and free style life. Honey I am have send the same message to another women who will be meet me first than I will be with him. I am soft spoken straightforward. I Accept your all terms and condition I don’t want to waist your valuable time. My sweet lovely friend I like you if you agree with me everything I will be send you by your email address. Thanks.

I think this guy really have serious migration problem... Maybe he just want to get married over here like how Singaporean guy went over Vietnam to get a wife..

I'm sorry Mr. Pakistan, I don't like a guy like you, and your age, is like my father's age. I don't think i can have sex with a guy like my father.. Eeewww.. Disgusting!!! And so sorry, I can't afford to take care of you anyway, because I can't even take a very good care of myself in real life man!! Maybe you should try harder by sending more young girl messages like you mentioned in your message. Thanks.

me...

2011-04-19T11:31:00.000+08:00

I feel sad for these 2 days especially after i knew how Xiao Pei think about me. She is Senior Nurse Educator. But she never tell me all these in person. Not even Mr. Neo, not right after he knew that. Not anyone. I was wondering did they really want to pass me? If yes, why dont they tell me straight right on front of my face? So that i'll know where and how much more i have to improve so that i can pass the repeat posting?? I'm fucking hate NUH!!

Last time also left with 3 weeks then tell me its impossible for me to have sudden improve, which they think i'm not a safe nurse. Now, left with 2 weeks time, and my preceptor tell me all these. What's wrong with them man... Cant they just tell what's in their mind and stop pretending that they are fucking good?!

To be frank, human gave up on me, so do i gave up on this world. Suicidal thoughts hunting me days and nights. It make me feel horrible to let anyone know about how i wanted to inflict pain on myself so that will make me feel much more better.

At a point of time, i felt so lonely and felt like i'm the only loser left in this planet. Tell me, tell me, why am i born in this world at the 1st place? I dont even dare to give mom a call, and tell her how i feel right now.. i'm so scared i'll make her worried again like last time... i'm so freaking lousy...

I need pain on my skin... i need to see blood flow out from my body... people think i'm crazy... perhaps i am...

Days went back to m'sia @8/3/2011 - 10/3/2011

2011-03-23T20:58:00.001+08:00

Went back to M'sia on Tuesday late evening. But as according to plan, we supposed to go back on Wednesday, Lynn's appointment was canceled suddenly, so we just decided to rush back for the Pasar Malam. Because I miss the food!! And I hope Lynn enjoyed the trip to M'sia, my home this time round.

As usual, i asked mom to get malay food for me, as my favorite pasar malam food are tauhu bakar with rojak sauce, nasi lemak, you cha kuai, and soya milk. Lynn doesn't take chicken so i didn't ask mom to get anything for her, but I managed to get her Ko Lo Mee ( sarawak style dried noodle) which is quite nice. After finish our late dinner, I brought her out to pasar malam with my bike.

Staple- like sewing machine. RM10. Makes sewing easier. But i still haven figure out how to operate it. Well, no worry, i'm not the one who bought this. I had my own personal tailor, my MOM!!

Pasar malam ends at 10pm, and Lynn managed to try some local drinks and tibits although we were quite full. I just had to explain to her things that she didn't see before in Sg. Well, that's a tour guide's job right??

After that, we headed home for sleep. Because it's shopping time tomorrow!!! Yay!!

I drove there, to Jusco Bukit Indah. And we met Si Ting there ACCIDENTALLY!! What a small world!!

Our 1st stop, the washroom. We spent 20 mins in there just to take photos. Our photos was taken up to 30 plus with both of our camera.

Actually Lynn bought quite a lot of stuffs there till she kind of broke. Hahaha!! Then we had lunch at A&W, kind of upset or felt being cheated that the burger that i order was Double Fortune Chicken Burger, which supposed to be big, but in the reality it was just this big..And its black pepper!! I hate black pepper!!

Now its show time.. LYNN!! eating green tea flavor doughnut... greeny..

Mine is durian flavor but its all in my stomach.. not very nice.. I prefer Chewy Junior!! Choc madness!!

Sutera Mall~~ Fish spa!! RM8 for 30 mins.. its so ticklish...

Next station: Secret Recipe

My fav banana choc, Lynn's White choc Love it!! And some green salad!!

I didn't capture any photo of my new nail color but i loved my toe nail color. Like Lynn said: It's lee lee's color!! Why?? Because it's red in color!! OMG!!

After that we went for a late night massage at the other massage centre! Freaking nice la, RM60 for 1 hour!! Maybe will try Thai or Javanese massage next time!!

KFC for brunch the next day!!

Lynn & Mom!

Mom always posed weirdly.. but i still love her.. i want to get some graduate photos with her.. and maybe dad??? Ok.. I know i should appreciate him.. i will.. believe me.. (felt a bit guilty because i'm kind of lying..)

Hahah.. then I sent Lynn off with Si Ting to bus station. I spend around 5 days at home doing nothing. But i',m enjoying my holidays.. Short holidays..

Day out hunting for Feb Chinese New Year Clothes

2011-03-06T13:40:00.000+08:00

This is another old post. It happened before Chinese New Year. Another outing with Mr. Ivan Tan. We met at Bugis, and I was late. So punishment was to treat him a nice lunch. So we headed to Iluma, Emperor State. A western restaurant. Food was nice except for the pasta and mushroom soup. Taste weird i can say.

Let's let the photos do the talking.

Here is the mushroom soup. Perhaps chef used wild mushroom to make this soup but i just don't like the taste.

And pasta... that whitish foam, i'm not sure what that is, but surely doesn't taste good. Other than that the whole chicken was damn nice, delicious!!

Orders are here. Let's tuck in! IItadakimas!!

I'm so concentrate on my chicken!!!

Half of the chicken gone, just like that.

Well, i must admit that i had a great appetite.. always do...

And this is what i get for myself, a nice black heel. My favourite!! And till the end of the post, i forgotten that i didn't captured what i had bought as the title is "new year clothes hunting". Maybe i just have to show it on my body~~ ouh~~

I like this clothes. Make me look elegant... muahahah!! $10!! hahaha!! <3

outing day with friends~~

2011-03-06T10:22:00.034+08:00

This post supposed to be a few months back, before Christmas. But i was a busy lady, so it was held on till now. I decided to post this out because lots of lovely photos i took with my friends on tat day.

Well, i had a date with Katija for swimming early in the morning, but unluckily, it rained like peeing.. so we decided to go Sembawang Shopping Centre. There is Daiso there. 1st stop is Subway! I craved for it for such a long period as Woodland do not have Subway.. I like the service there, quite good and polite.

1st meal at Subway done. Next station, to meet Mr. Ivan Tan, a boy who work at Soup Restaurant. Our meeting point, Bugis. He wanted to purchase Iphone 4 under my name. But too bad, they were all sold out in any teleshop. hahah...

Then we end up having fun around Bugis and Marina Square.

This is Mr. Ivan Tan, 20 yrs old. Lots of my friends thought he is my new bf, because of the photos that we took together. Well, you will know when you saw them.

Now you know what i mean.. Those photos weren't purposely taken in this way but it's more to we were just too close to each other. That's all. And one more thing, i'm not interested in kids.. wakakaka.. =X

It was a nice outing with these 2 person. More older posts coming up soon.

k-box with PC

2011-03-06T09:58:00.000+08:00

I had a girl date with PC on 27.2.2011. It's our 1st date after more than a month we didn't met each other. It felt like we didn't met for quite a long time. And of course, we gave each other a hug when we met, most probably we were missed. Lots of things happened around us. PC met her bf's parents and same thing goes with her bf. Well, i'm glad that she had found her love. I wish I can find one too. To be frank, i'm happy, envy, and jealous. Hahaha...

Let's see what we had done for our date. We had our brunch at AMK market, I miss the food there, so nice and cheap. Then we moved on to Far East Plaza, she bought a pair of red shoes. And we found jackets on sales, and guess what. We both bought white based jacket. And the jacket that i choose, eventually its almost the same design like Ridzuan's Adidas jacket. It's the design that i like. So i'm not sure why i chose that design at the first place but i'm sure it's not because of him. Let's have a look at this jacket ok?? And spot the not.. hahah

Then we head to K-box at Cineleisure, 8th floor, and we were kind of lost because the place isn't the same with the last time i went. The reason why it doesn't look the same because it had been undergone renovation. Both of us laugh at our own silliness, and funny thing happened too. That was our 1st time to had buffet at K-box, we're not familiar with their rules and regulations, for example, we just need to put on the K-box stickers then we can have our dinner buffet there.

These are the food that we took. The food was nice. I love the pineapple rice. LOVE it!!

Now, it's eating time. We were super hungry and very full the next minute. Muahaha...

And then, we went out to hunt for some desert.

I like the chocolate cake!!!

Then we continue with our singing session.

Our k-box finished with a few rock songs!! We danced and sang lots of lovely songs. People who walked pass our room was stunt, and we.. WHO CARES!!! hahaha... I sent her her home after that, then we chit chat at our secret garden for another 1 hour. I like this kind of life man!!

Started to miss her, and i think she's leading a happy life now! Yay!!

"Happy" chinese new year!!

2011-02-04T17:29:00.000+08:00

Today is the 2nd day of lunar month in 2011. And I had been sick for the past 2 days. Well, i never sick for so long but i'm so fortunate to be sick on Chinese New Year!!

This ain't happy at all. I had a presentation to be done on next monday. And i had no clue on how to start it..

Not to complain but i realize that my life is damn full with lots of painful lessons and so unlucky.. Lucky things never happened to me.. perhaps somewhere went wrong and perhaps it's due to my personality that always so pessimistic...

Sometimes i'm just so tired on trying and trying again.. Why?? I felt so lonely even though friends always tell me that they're always be with me... but i felt alone most of the time..

I just don't understand what had went wrong with me, my life and everything..

I hate myself.. especially when i gave up easily... to me, current life is so meaningless... not even my family... for now....

I hate my life.. but i have to go through it... am i right??

my mistakes..

2011-01-20T15:05:00.000+08:00

A patient of mine fall from the bed today. Early in the morning. I was doing my night shift, 1st night shift.

I couldn't manipulate because he fell down due to my negligence. Just a minute of eye resting causes all these. No matter how alert i am throughout the whole night. Once a fall happened, all the blame is yours.

Sister said, no matter how many precaution you had done, a fall is a fall. People will not take the process into consideration but will only see the outcome.

Well, i must admit that. They won't, and I'm fucking hate this ward. The longer i'm there, the more i hate myself. Sometimes, i questioned myself, why am i here, in this world?? I felt lke sharing this with the people that i care, but it just seems like so far and so hard to say it out, especially my family. I couldn't see family members as a party that i can share my bitterness of my life. I think something is wrong with me. Should i just left this world??

Now, my mind, my heart, feels pain. And i felt like slashing myself again. As a punishment for doing all these mistakes. But its kind of pointless to do that, in others opinion. I think i have some mental disorder. Depression is what make me feels alive deep down in my heart. Am i crazy?? Am i alone? Am i so selfish that choose to give up when i encountered failure? I am a coward... i know i am... Why i have this kind of behavior and why i can't change myself?? I'm so clueless, so emo, so useless, so so so and so on...

Fear..

2011-01-16T19:03:00.000+08:00

PRCP still left with 5 weeks. Suppose to be happy with this, but started to worry about my future. Which pathway should i go for my career. I counted the salary that i have to earn each month, at least $1600 to cover most of my monthly expenses. I'm really worried because I want to support my family and pay for my own daily expenses. These worries will resolve if i decided to work in the ward, but I really don't want to.

Will I find a job that I really want? Or i'll have to end up with daily ward routine? I know I'm not a passionate person, no motivation to update myself. All i want is a normal calm, safe life to be. Sounds so useless right?? I'm not really enjoy life that is too dramatic. I'm so scared and phobia to extreme life changes. Perhaps I'm too old (mental).

Well, what can i do?? What can i choose?? Salary? Or life that i want which i assume will make me feel much more happier??? I had no idea. Not a single dot...

Depression overwhelmed me again... luckily i still have Andrew, a guy who always msg with me and keep me accompany whenever I really need some one to talk to. I do appreciate that... thx!!

2008-2011

2011-01-14T14:37:00.000+08:00

Photos taken from 2007, in perlis. My hometown

2008, 1st few months when i just reach Singapore to study. Nursing in NYP.

2009. A year with lots of ups and downs. But like others, I manage to pull over. And get it done.

Knee injury that happen to me continously for both knees. How lucky I am.

Below are the photos that taken at AMK house. Forgotten which year. But the hair style looks the same.

Don't worry!! It's fake. I can no longer own this kind of hair again because I can't take it when i saw my hair is growing. Hahaha. I know i look gorgeous...

2011. New year eve with Lynn. which i will never forget the night. A horrible night with lots of human and taxis were fully booked.

PRCP. Well, not really like it but I have to pass in order to graduate. Life ain't as sucks as before. But to compare my life and onco patient, I think I should appreciate it more than i suppose to be.

My life:

with friends, i guess they know much I miss them and how i appreciate what they had done for me and what i had done for them. I know I had your support whenever I need it.

Family: i made a mistake by making mom worried about me. For my father, I still hate him. But I won't be that heartless to leave him behind.

love story? So far it would be blank page.

Craps!

2011-01-07T12:48:00.000+08:00

Well, for your information, i'm using my sony ericson jalou to post this because my nokia c6 touch screen no longer sensitive. Lots of things happened to me for the past 5 weeks. I almost suffer from depression during PRCP.
I met all sorts of human there. I told Xiao Juan, my preceptor that working is more like acting, act like you're enjoy working with this people, even though deep down in your heart, you're fucking hate them. I spend almost 5 weeks to make myself to be well presented in terms of 'building rapore' with them. They are those people that I'll never open my heart to. Not even Dolly, another PRCP student from NYP.
I'm kind of glad that friends that I care, they do understand me and allow me to be my true self. Like Peng Chin, Katija, and Suik Feng. Even though sometimes I'll be over board and i'm sorry for that.
I'm just trying my best to perform well for this 3 months. And sometimes I hate my preceptor too when she raise her voice to me. Must endure right? I will!

morning breeze!!

2010-12-20T09:11:00.000+08:00

I woke up early in the morning. Actually not that early because it's considered late if i'm morning shift. Wake up at 7am, rolling on the bed till 8am. Cooked my lunch and wanted to throw rubbish. 3 big packs!! Ok. Then I opened the door, the wind blow. Wow!! I had quite a long time didn't have this nice feeling. It feels like the breeze at hometown. It was nice!! Really... It make me feel welcomed. Morning breeze's hug is damn fucking rock!!

F.R.I.E.N.D.S

2010-11-22T09:46:00.002+08:00

Actually, I'm happy that Fern posted something positive in her blog.. Anything it is, even though it's not about me.. At least her life and her memory isn't that bad after all.

To friends of mine, I don't feel guilty to them. Because I treat them with my most sincere. Although I'm that kind of person who is "an eye for an eye". Do you agree? My friend?? Hahaha.. I asked some of my close friends before, Am I a good friend?? Most of them say yes.. But how true it is, I don't know...Because I think I'm a good friend who is sarcastic... =.=!!!

To Chin, I miss u too.. For all the things in our life that happened for the past 2 yrs, I realized that although we are irritable at times, but we still support each other when there's ups and downs.. I'm glad that i met you and now you had found a bf.. who is not that weird?? LOL... I hope both of you can enjoy the sweetest relationship that you guys are having!!! *so envy*

To Katija, I'm glad that you have accompany me throughout these 3 yrs posting. Although sometimes, we are irritable to each others and I'm quite sarcastic.. Thx for tolerating me for so long..

To friends of mine!! Cheers!! I will make my life more meaningful and leads a happy life so that you all can enjoy life with me!! I will love myself more than others do because i'm the only saver of my soul...

Things tat I think its funny and weird..

2010-11-22T09:09:00.000+08:00

Posts of the day: Messages that guys sent me from Tagged.com

#1--> I m looking for ladies to humiliate and command me. You can have me kneel down and crawl to you n kiss ut feet n heels, spank me and kick my balls. You can order me to massage you and serve you well. I will pay you for the time you spend. Hope this doesn't offend you and looking forward to your favourable reply.

*After copy this msg, I realized there is no more this kind of kinky messages. Because I accidentally deleted it. Maybe next time i'll post it again. = p

Actually there's something else that I want to post. A friend of mine, who work at Paragon, I address her as friend because she treat me as a friend of hers, not just a colleague. She has a bf, who two timed her for 2 times and get caught by her. They broke up but now they are together. I asked her why, she said, just temporary. He is going to NS next month, and she is going back to M'sia on March 2011. So just be with him for a few months. Well, I just don't get her, why must she be with him again, and from what i can see, she loves him very much. My heart feel pain when I saw a friend of mine being treated like this. Oh well, the real feeling between a couple, only they know the real situation, we, as a outsider, will not understand... Am i right??

my 2nd confession

2010-11-19T10:10:00.000+08:00

Below is the short conversation between me and Shang Yee, a guy that i like at Novena work place...

Well, he is a 20yrs old M'sian boy who work as a little chef for Soup Restaurant. Not very handsome, not muscular, not rich, no car, and not flirty with me. (Me, but can't be 100% not flirty with other girls.)

I was just finish my duty at NUH, and as a habit, everyone will check on their phone. So do i. And i was so happy that he messaged me and asked where i am.

Well, as usual, he always reply me very slow.. so I missed call him, and he called me up. Our conversation last around 1 min??? Hahaha, then he said will contact me later, and i kept on emphasize "LATER" because his later can be tomorrow or few days later...

This is the messages that we sent to each other:

Me: 可以问你个问题吗？为什么突然间会发简信给我的？

Shang Yee: 想念你咯，Ｏ（∩＿∩）Ｏ哈！

Me:　是真的吗？可别哄我开心哦！

Shang Yee:　你先回答我吧，我可以问你个问题吗？其实我感觉到你。。。喜欢我。有吗？

Me:　有啊。。。

Shang Yee：　为什么？

Me:　喜欢你就喜欢你咯。还有你帮我敷药。。做工时，都认真。。看到我走光，要我小心。。这样算是原因吗？

Shang Yee：　哈哈！我有那么认真的哦？谢谢你的赞扬。

Me:　猪八戒！那以后也这么认真吧！加油！！

Shang Yee：当然，但不是猪八戒哦！谢谢你，晚安。

Me:　噢。。就这样啊？好咯。。晚安。。

=.=!!! End of our conversation...

Haiz.. don't know what he is up to... But never mind.. at least I let him know how my feeling is, and not as miserable like previous time..

Will update again if have any progress in my love life and normal life!! Hahaha!!!

facebook quizes

2010-11-07T20:58:00.001+08:00

#1:

What is ur biggest fear?!

Your biggest fear is living ur life. Everything always seems to go wrong for u and sometimes u just wish u could put ur life on pause so u can skip all the bull crap and heart ache. But life is worth living no matter how crule it may seem at times. You just hafta make urself c the little things that make u smile first. Like the sunrise and that time u made someone smile. When ur content to have only those little things in life, that's when the amazing happens. When ur unafraid and not looking.

#2:

If you weren't a person what would you be?

Stone: You are steadfast. You know who you are, and are source of strength to those around you.

#3:

What color is your soul?

Blue: You'll go out of your way to help a stranger, and to do almost anything for a friend despite the personal cost. You need to be loved, appreciated, and accepted by others. You'll reveal your faults so others understand you more. You are easily heartbroken, but not the type to be betrayed. You always get revenge. Red souls either find you annoying, or befriend you. White souls open up to you easily. Yellow souls may disappoint you, valuing fun more than friendship. Other blue souls will care for you. (Peng Chin is blue soul...)

#4:

The Heart Personality Test

Your heart craves many things. What you want changes, and it's hard to predict how our will feel.
You are in love one day and indifferent the next. For you, there's nothing simple about love.

Your heart has probably been broken, and you've certainly crushed a few hearts in your time.
Luckily, your heart tends to heal well. Any scars you have just make your heart stronger.

All in one

2010-11-06T02:40:00.002+08:00

Part 1:

Went to K- box with Yong Hui last monday at Cineleisure. A guy i know from my work place at Novena. I have fun singing from 2.30pm to 7.00pm. Well, I had to admit that I love singing! I can express my feeling through the songs that I had chosen. For example like Lee Hom's new song: 需要人陪，张靓颖：如果这就是爱情 and many more.

Then we get out of Orchard and head back to Woodlands to have dinner. We ate fried rice with salted fish. That greedy human ordered a plate of fried rice for 3 persons.. O.O

Yes!! 3 persons where only 2 persons to eat.. Then he ordered 2 baskets of Siew Mai, a plate of Chu Cheong Fun. Siew Mai taste nice but not the Chu Cheong Fun because it taste more like preserved beancurd sauce with Kueh Teow.. Ewww~~~ =.=!!

Part 2:

Went back to M'sia on tuesday night. Mom bought us 50 satays, 2 pieces of tauhu bakar, 6 cans of Carlsberg for me and Theng Theng. I know her at my work place too at Paragon. Believe it or not, she is younger than me by 2 yrs.. But she looked older than me due to working experience. Well, she is a cute girl. We actually want to go to Jusco at Bukit Indah, but we ended up shopped at Sutera Mall. Why? Because I can't recognize the way to Jusco.. =.=!! I pity her that she wasted her time finding way to our destiny.. Paiseh la...

This a dress that I tried.. looks so transparent.. Good for clubbing though.. Omg~ I'm kind of addicted to clubbing.. hehe.. ^o^

Let me introduce, Dr. Fish!! They are eating my dead skin... Hahah.. It's quite ticklish when they started to surround and bite your feet. Both of us laugh when they started to do their work.. hehe.. It's quite cheap because 30mins for RM8. But the only thing that I don't like is their attitude towards the customers.. Well, I can't say much since it's cheap and don't have service charge. Don't ask for more with this kind of deal. Need to be satisfied with what we get. Right?

And she's Theng Theng. Cute right? Kawaii~~ ^o^

After that we went for some sweet treats for ourselves. And our 1st choice is Secret Recipe. Love the cakes and desert but not the service!! Hmmph!! Can't really believe that they hired those service crews who can't even understand simple English like:" That's all for now." Omg $%^%#$^&*$^

OK! Enough for scoldings. Lets enjoy our food!!

Ice blended double choc!! Theng's favorite~~

I like this photo.. She looked cute and quite photogenic if compared with me. ='(

Black pepper chicken chop rice. Too bad that it's black pepper because I hate the taste.. but it's quite nice..

Do i looked like a bit African??? So dark like double choc.. =o=!!

Itadakimas!! Let's eat!! Like usual, I ordered my favorite, Banana choc cake, and Theng ordered Hazelnut cheese cake and banana split!! All bananas... Bananas is my well known favorite at Novena outlet. Hehehe!!

Sent her to bus station to take bus to go back to Sg. I have fun with her for the whole day! And something funny happen, I have a sudden crave for Shilin's XXL crispy chicken, and i ordered 1- RM6. When she took my chicken from the service crew, she accidentally drop their metal thing on the floor.. And it's loud!! Omg~ I guess she's too nervous because of all of the service crews there are handsome guy with cool hair!!

Part 3:

I went to Jusco with mom the next day because she want to get my aunt's Triump bra. So that my granny can bring them along when she go to Australia to visit her. And I took picture at the lingerie department as I saw they have a full body size mirror!! Just can't resist to stand in front of the mirror and camwhore!! >.<

Mom and me with lots of bra as the background 0.o??

Part 4:

I went back to Sg on the day itself. Well, I was just wanted to try my luck whether the watch shop still have promotion for the watches that I had eyed on for the last attachment. And for your information, that shop is at Jurong East Interchange. And i was so lucky that the promotion is still on!! Get myself a Levi's watch. $50. My 1st branded watch.. I like it because i like it!! Lame~

Part 5:

Today at Paragon. It's almost our dinner time. And this is our food- roasted sweet chicken..

The girl who is starring at the chicken is Wei Yee. Like Theng Theng, she worked there too, I like to talk to them because they are funny!! Believe it or not, she is younger than me by 1yr, and she is married with a daughter. Her daughter is damn cute through her description. She love her!! <3

Well, as usual, I used up my energy during my working hour, and i had left with no energy when it came to the end of the work. But i do have fun but talking nonsense and laugh like a mad woman~ Hehehe!! Time to sleep now.. Still have to work tomorrow!
p/s: All the photos are taken by using my nokia C6. Not bad right?

Clubbing!!

2010-10-29T05:45:00.000+08:00

Well, I went to clubbing for the 1st time on ladies night at St. James Power Station!!

It was fun as in I can wear sexy dresses, put on thick make ups, dance like hell!!

Omg.. And saw lots of live kissing scene... Oh ya, I went there with Theng Theng, a girl at my work place at Paragon, we are invited by a chef from the kitchen side, also a M'sian. Actually she's younger than me, but due to early step out to the society, she looked much more adult than i am. Because of all the working experience that she had, she's just like a senior to me..

She's the one who took care of me the whole night because i get drunk easily. But it was fun to go there once in awhile to have some sexy fun.. When i was there, just like what Yi Ru said, body rub against body.. When you get drunk or get high, you will just do something according to the mood, and I did that on that night. But don't worry, I reached home in 1 whole piece, chef send me home with his bike and i was wearing a skirt.. Just imagine my posture and my skirt >.

I hugged him when i get on his bike because i was drunk and scared that i might fall from the bike, he hold my hand to secure me.. the feeling is just like my 1st love where we ride bikes to everywhere we go in that small town..

Although I get hang over the next morning, but i do really have fun!! I like clubbing...

Quiz from Facebook

2010-10-29T05:25:00.001+08:00

“You prepare yourself mentally for a new day, but await a new start. You look in the mirror every day and question the person standing on the other side. You fake a smile for all to see, when really you are screaming inside. You cry when no one can see or hear you. Sometimes when someone says something that triggers a memory, you burt into tears. You just want to escape from this world of misery, your personal hell. You always get hurt no matter what, and you think you can take anymore bull shit.”

This is the result from a quiz that i took from facebook. "Who am i really?" And the result is depressed. Well, i guess i can only admit it was correct. My mood swing was fucking strong and i get depressed easily but luckily i never or should i say seldom have the suicidal thought or hearing voices.

October month almost come to the end and guess what is so blank about? My birthday post.. Even Peng Chin posted my early birthday celebration with photos but my own blog?? Nothing about it.. Why?? Because i didn't see a purpose of posting it anyway.. I'm not blaming.. Just that this October wasn't as good as I was expecting..

Work is taking place, another birthday without a boyfriend, ex boyfriend make a hoo ha in msn, insulted me till the max, and he make other girl pregnant and that girl asked money from me for an abortion. WAO!! Such a tragic month... What a great experience for me..

After all these, how can i not depressed??

Like my post, the font also depressed.. what's the color for depressed? Grey? White? Blue? Or nothing for it??

October 2010...

2010-10-21T01:06:00.000+08:00

My October..

Nothing much but work...

Running both places at Paragon and Novena United Square..

Well.. Get to know a few funny M'sian friends.. both male and female..

And also learned quite a lot of things from those "senior" at Soup restaurant..

Like i mentioned, get to know guys and girls..

Around a few guys asked for my number and i gave them as i wanna make more friends.. M'sian.. They way they talked is really funny.. I kept on chat with them with my poor Cantonese.. always end up talk in Mandarin..

It's really fun to work at Novena as most of them are funny and friendly if compared with Paragon..

Also get to know a guy from another restaurant. He is only 18, now is my "brother".. The way he talk, really like people at my hometown, he's from Kedah, mom's birth place. And talking to him, remind me of my 1st ex bf.. too similar.. Actually I really hate this feeling.. all the memories came back and flooded my mind when i was on the phone with him just now..

I don't know what is real feeling and what is fake.. But i don't wanna mess up my relationship between my work and personal.. it will be totally screwed if it happened..

So please just let me finish my work till end of this month..

This is a nice song from Lee Hom new album, I guess..

Enjoy!!

mv

2010-10-15T15:37:00.000+08:00

Suddenly found this MV..

The lyrics is so nice....

Hope you guys enjoy..

Anyway, I cried less than before nowadays..

Thx to friends who really care for me...

messenger chat log@

2010-10-04T23:53:00.000+08:00

After a few days of consideration and thinking, I decided to post this chapter of chat log between Ridzuan and me. Well, our conversation contain quite a number of adult contents but who cares? I mean I am adult who is almost 22?? Hahaha...
I don't mean anything but it just a feeling of doing so..
So enjoy reading!!!

Session Start: Friday, 1 October, 2010

little weirdo~~那件白色外套依然是我的最爱... (leeleelonglong1010@hotmail.com)
Ahhh (zuanster@gmail.com)

(12:03 AM) Ahhh:	the one u have sex every time ah
(12:04 AM) little weirdo~~那:	ya happy?
(12:04 AM) Ahhh:	haha i think he wants more then a meal haha crazy why should u be happy i should be sad
(12:05 AM) little weirdo~~那:	ouh ok
(12:05 AM) Ahhh:	wow so u going continue the old times ah
(12:07 AM) little weirdo~~那:	no
(12:07 AM) Ahhh:	oh so what if he ask for more then just a meal
(12:08 AM) little weirdo~~那:	why dun u tell me wat should i do?
(12:08 AM) Ahhh:	why i don control u now
(12:08 AM) Ahhh:	haha then can i join
(12:09 AM) little weirdo~~那:	so dun ask me tat kind of question again
(12:09 AM) Ahhh:	curious only
(12:09 AM) little weirdo~~那:	wat u ask n wat u say now it will only cause my eyes full with tears
(12:10 AM) Ahhh:	oh
(12:10 AM) little weirdo~~那:	so can u just stop?
(12:10 AM) Ahhh:	so u don wan talk to me?
(12:11 AM) little weirdo~~那:	i dun want
(12:11 AM) Ahhh:	don wan to talk to me?
(12:11 AM) little weirdo~~那:	also will not hope u to understand
(12:12 AM) Ahhh:	cause it was always have been about u my turn ah
(12:12 AM) Ahhh:	u nv ask me i got wat problems i listen to all ur problems
(12:13 AM) little weirdo~~那:	u dun wanna tell me, last time i try to listen but u dun wanna tell
(12:13 AM) Ahhh:	then don wan try again stop all the way
(12:13 AM) Ahhh:	hai
(12:14 AM) little weirdo~~那:	so u wanna tell me ur problems now?
(12:14 AM) Ahhh:	ya
(12:14 AM) little weirdo~~那:	say la i'm listening
(12:14 AM) Ahhh:	i cant get over you
(12:15 AM) Ahhh:	first few weeks when i think of you i feel sad now more like irritated then i cant sleep
(12:15 AM) little weirdo~~那:	so now when u think of me, u feel irritated?
(12:15 AM) Ahhh:	i fell sick alot of times
(12:16 AM) Ahhh:	i mean i m not irritated by u the feeling when i think of you the feeling is irritating not u
(12:17 AM) little weirdo~~那:	ouh then?
(12:17 AM) little weirdo~~那:	how can i help?
(12:17 AM) Ahhh:	i don think u will want
(12:18 AM) little weirdo~~那:	then dun ask
(12:18 AM) Ahhh:	i didnt ask wat whats ur problem
(12:19 AM) little weirdo~~那:	ntg... really ntg..
(12:19 AM) Ahhh:	its your fault
(12:19 AM) little weirdo~~那:	my fault?
(12:19 AM) Ahhh:	ya
(12:19 AM) little weirdo~~那:	wat is my fault?
(12:21 AM) Ahhh:	cause u are the reason i become paranoid then in turn started to lose interest in you then end up i start to be mean to you and u just nv do anything cause u are too concerntrated with ur skool work yourself and money
(12:22 AM) little weirdo~~那:	is tat so?
(12:22 AM) Ahhh:	ya
(12:22 AM) little weirdo~~那:	then its gd tat we break up now u can hv a peaceful life
(12:23 AM) little weirdo~~那:	save ur money n not make any stupid decision in ur life
(12:23 AM) Ahhh:	ya rite even after break up also u still haunt me u know why i accepted the job cause of u near where u going stay
(12:24 AM) Ahhh:	if not i go for the job in hougang so much nearer
(12:24 AM) little weirdo~~那:	u say u like to travel for work... u lied to me
(12:24 AM) Ahhh:	come who likes i was being sacarstic
(12:24 AM) Ahhh:	and i was hoping u would know
(12:25 AM) little weirdo~~那:	ur more sacarstic than me...
(12:26 AM) Ahhh:	at least i know when u are being sacarstic u belive in all the wrong things and don belive all the right things
(12:26 AM) little weirdo~~那:	ya
(12:26 AM) Ahhh:	u know u very proud also
(12:26 AM) Ahhh:	our ffirst few months u keep looking down on me but i just tahan
(12:27 AM) little weirdo~~那:	did i?
(12:27 AM) Ahhh:	of cause u didnt belive in me
(12:27 AM) little weirdo~~那:	like wat?
(12:28 AM) Ahhh:	like infront of ur ur roomate u treat me differently
(12:28 AM) Ahhh:	like at that point of time i am just an accessory for u to show of to ur roomate
(12:29 AM) little weirdo~~那:	ok... wat else?
(12:29 AM) Ahhh:	so do u still think u are the good one in our relationship
(12:29 AM) Ahhh:	u always make me look like a bad guy but actually we are both the same
(12:30 AM) little weirdo~~那:	haha ok lo
(12:30 AM) Ahhh:	like tat only ah noth else to comment haha ok what else
(12:30 AM) Ahhh:	don cry
(12:30 AM) little weirdo~~那:	i'm not crying now no more comments
(12:31 AM) Ahhh:	then now u wan go sleelp
(12:31 AM) little weirdo~~那:	tats all u wanna tell me?
(12:32 AM) Ahhh:	alot more 1 milion things i don like about u and i still love u
(12:33 AM) little weirdo~~那:	i dun know how to respond
(12:34 AM) Ahhh:	everything don know!
(12:35 AM) little weirdo~~那:	so its gd tat i leave u u wont be so -ve hv time for movies
(12:35 AM) little weirdo~~那:	enjoy urself
(12:36 AM) Ahhh:	ya lo no need to hear u nagg at me
(12:36 AM) little weirdo~~那:	ya
(12:37 AM) Ahhh:	ya loo save money in fhone bill also
(12:38 AM) little weirdo~~那:	ya
(12:38 AM) Ahhh:	can go out with other gerls with out feeling guilty noo need to keep thinking what u are doing everytime
(12:39 AM) little weirdo~~那:	hmm ok...
(12:39 AM) little weirdo~~那:	sounds like ur having gd time
(12:39 AM) Ahhh:	ya can go hong kong with my frens
(12:41 AM) little weirdo~~那:	hv fun!!
(12:41 AM) Ahhh:	got more money also haha
(12:42 AM) little weirdo~~那:	should hv let u go earlier haha
(12:43 AM) Ahhh:	shud have reject me in the 1sst place
(12:43 AM) little weirdo~~那:	ya
(12:43 AM) Ahhh:	see la now i using m1 line slow haha
(12:43 AM) little weirdo~~那:	u can change it after 2 yrs
(12:44 AM) Ahhh:	so long i ggoing to lose my nice nmber
(12:45 AM) little weirdo~~那:	ouh ok..
(12:46 AM) Ahhh:	why u nv say anyhting about me
(12:46 AM) little weirdo~~那:	i told u
(12:47 AM) little weirdo~~那:	i din see any point of telling any1 or explain my feelings
(12:47 AM) little weirdo~~那:	it wont change a thing
(12:47 AM) Ahhh:	at least i know
(12:47 AM) Ahhh:	what u scaared of
(12:47 AM) little weirdo~~那:	wat can u do after u know?
(12:48 AM) Ahhh:	u already offended me enuff anything u going to say just bounce right off so u got nth to lose just say keep also no use
(12:48 AM) Ahhh:	u will explode become stress for no reason
(12:48 AM) Ahhh:	like u keep ur shit inside keep until ur asshole burst booom
(12:50 AM) little weirdo~~那:	let it burst then
(12:50 AM) Ahhh:	stubborn as usual ask u turn ur laptop also don wan
(12:51 AM) little weirdo~~那:	watever\ just enjoy ur holidays will do
(12:51 AM) Ahhh:	like u care
(12:52 AM) little weirdo~~那:	gd nite
(12:52 AM) Ahhh:	come back where u going i haven finish
(12:53 AM) little weirdo~~那:	finish it then
(12:53 AM) Ahhh:	i love you good night
(12:53 AM)	Ahhh is now Offline
(12:53 AM) little weirdo~~那:	idiot

Session Start: Friday, 1 October, 2010

little weirdo~~那件白色外套依然是我的最爱... (leeleelonglong1010@hotmail.com)
zuanster@gmail.com (zuanster@gmail.com)

(11:50 PM) zuanster@gmail.c:	hello rice eater
(11:50 PM) zuanster@gmail.c:	happy childrens day!

Session Start: Saturday, 2 October, 2010

little weirdo~~那件白色外套依然是我的最爱... (leeleelonglong1010@hotmail.com)
AHHHH (OUT) (zuanster@gmail.com)

(10:30 AM) AHHHH (OUT):	good morning!!!!
(10:31 AM) little weirdo~~那:	i wanna ask u something

Session Start: Saturday, 2 October, 2010

little weirdo~~那件白色外套依然是我的最爱... (leeleelonglong1010@hotmail.com)
zuanster@gmail.com (zuanster@gmail.com)

(7:35 PM) zuanster@gmail.c:	BBQ turtle
(7:35 PM)	little weirdo~~那件白色外套依然是我的最爱... has changed his/her status to Online
(7:35 PM) little weirdo~~那:	idiot
(7:36 PM) zuanster@gmail.c:	BBQ turtle
(7:36 PM) little weirdo~~那:	i dun wanna talk to u
(7:36 PM) zuanster@gmail.c:	Why not
(7:36 PM) little weirdo~~那:	coz u make me sad
(7:37 PM) zuanster@gmail.c:	Is it cause I unfriend u in Facebook and tagged
(7:37 PM) zuanster@gmail.c:	Oh like that huh Ok lo
(7:37 PM) little weirdo~~那:	one of the reasons
(7:39 PM) zuanster@gmail.c:	I unfriend u cause I keep looking at ur status up dates everyday.
(7:39 PM) little weirdo~~那:	then y dun wanna block me in msn also?
(7:40 PM) little weirdo~~那:	since u had alr unfriend so many might as well msn
(7:40 PM) zuanster@gmail.c:	Can't stop wondering what u are doing who are u with . So it's better for me not to know
(7:40 PM) little weirdo~~那:	n delete my phone number too wont it be better if u do tat?
(7:40 PM) zuanster@gmail.c:	Cause I still want to talk to u in msn
(7:41 PM) little weirdo~~那:	dun wanna know all these things still wanna talk to me in msn u really know how to torture me
(7:41 PM) zuanster@gmail.c:	I just dont want to know what u are doing and who are u with that's all
(7:42 PM) little weirdo~~那:	i guess u must be damn haooy to know tat i'm freaking sad la happy
(7:42 PM) zuanster@gmail.c:	Wats haooy Oh Why would I be
(7:43 PM) little weirdo~~那:	only u know
(7:44 PM) zuanster@gmail.c:	If u said I know then I donno
(7:44 PM) little weirdo~~那:	ntg much i wanna say to u
(7:45 PM) zuanster@gmail.c:	I donna why u so angry with me I just said the truth
(7:45 PM) zuanster@gmail.c:	And I want u to do the same
(7:46 PM) zuanster@gmail.c:	U can call me a bastard also can I just wan to know ur true feelings
(7:46 PM) zuanster@gmail.c:	Now is ur chance to fuck me and scold me
(7:47 PM) little weirdo~~那:	no i dun want i dun wanna let any1 know my feelings especially u
(7:47 PM) zuanster@gmail.c:	Suit ur self la
(7:48 PM) little weirdo~~那:	ya
(7:55 PM) little weirdo~~那:	can u not making me cry everyday as my bday present? at least not b4 my bday.. at least let me hv a tearless bday? can u?

Session Start: Saturday, 2 October, 2010

little weirdo~~那件白色外套依然是我的最爱... (leeleelonglong1010@hotmail.com)
zuanster@gmail.com (zuanster@gmail.com)

(8:36 PM) zuanster@gmail.c:	still long
(8:39 PM)	zuanster@gmail.com has changed his/her name to "Ahhh"
(8:40 PM)	Ahhh has changed his/her personal message to "fucking tried now"
(8:41 PM)	Ahhh is now Offline
(8:41 PM)	Ahhh is now Online
(8:42 PM)	Ahhh has changed his/her personal message to "I took a picture of a rose cause it reminds me of you"
(8:42 PM)	little weirdo~~那件白色外套依然是我的最爱... has changed his/her status to Online
(8:42 PM) little weirdo~~那:	ok lo no choice then
(8:51 PM) Ahhh:	why must it be like this
(8:51 PM) little weirdo~~那:	bcoz every word tat u say to me its hurt.. hurt me badly..
(8:51 PM) little weirdo~~那:	since the day u talk to me i cry till i sleep do u really happy now?
(8:52 PM) Ahhh:	so u saying its my fault again
(8:52 PM) little weirdo~~那:	its my fault tat i ask to be my bf n ask u to meet me...
(8:53 PM) Ahhh:	so finnaly u say its ur fault ah
(8:53 PM) little weirdo~~那:	yes
(8:58 PM) Ahhh:	so how now i shudnt talk to u arleady?
(8:58 PM)	little weirdo~~那件白色外套依然是我的最爱... has changed his/her status to Idle
(9:01 PM)	little weirdo~~那件白色外套依然是我的最爱... has changed his/her status to Online
(9:01 PM) little weirdo~~那:	anything la
(9:02 PM) Ahhh:	but i wan to keep talking to u torturing u
(9:02 PM) little weirdo~~那:	then i hv to learn to be immune
(9:03 PM) Ahhh:	ok good so if u wan to be immune then i have to continously keep saying things that will hurt u right
(9:04 PM) little weirdo~~那:	if u want to..
(9:04 PM) Ahhh:	wow ok naise
(9:05 PM) little weirdo~~那:	ya
(9:06 PM) Ahhh:	so hows ur day
(9:06 PM) little weirdo~~那:	gd lo go to orchard
(9:06 PM) Ahhh:	ochard towers ah
(9:07 PM) little weirdo~~那:	far east
(9:07 PM) Ahhh:	oh i tot go orchard towers cheap rooms there
(9:07 PM) little weirdo~~那:	ouh ok
(9:08 PM) Ahhh:	yep yep now u know
(9:08 PM) little weirdo~~那:	ya thx
(9:08 PM) Ahhh:	next time can go there with ur date
(9:08 PM) little weirdo~~那:	ok i will
(9:08 PM) Ahhh:	yep yep bring camera also
(9:08 PM) Ahhh:	then come out at website
(9:09 PM) little weirdo~~那:	ok
(9:09 PM) Ahhh:	haha
(9:09 PM) little weirdo~~那:	hha
(9:10 PM) Ahhh:	so what are u doing now
(9:10 PM) little weirdo~~那:	watch korean drama
(9:11 PM) Ahhh:	not talking with ur new boyfren ah
(9:11 PM) little weirdo~~那:	i dun hv
(9:12 PM) Ahhh:	i mean ur boy-----------friends u got alot right
(9:13 PM) little weirdo~~那:	ya u dun hv meh?
(9:13 PM) Ahhh:	suki loh one enuff for me haha
(9:14 PM) little weirdo~~那:	ur new gf?
(9:14 PM) Ahhh:	no la friends with benefits
(9:15 PM) little weirdo~~那:	ouh ok hv fun with her?
(9:15 PM) Ahhh:	yep yep
(9:15 PM) little weirdo~~那:	ok gd
(9:15 PM) Ahhh:	ok lo do new things that i couldnt do with u
(9:15 PM) little weirdo~~那:	ok gd then
(9:16 PM) Ahhh:	yep yep so statisfied
(9:16 PM) little weirdo~~那:	ok
(9:17 PM) Ahhh:	then u leh ur frens with benefits good
(9:18 PM) little weirdo~~那:	i dun hv
(9:18 PM) Ahhh:	got do 100 at once ah
(9:18 PM) little weirdo~~那:	ouh ya
(9:18 PM) Ahhh:	haha yep yep
(9:18 PM) little weirdo~~那:	at 1 goal
(9:18 PM) Ahhh:	thats nice so big ar ur hole
(9:19 PM) little weirdo~~那:	ya damn big
(9:20 PM) Ahhh:	haha all long and big u like right all the way in
(9:20 PM) little weirdo~~那:	ya'
(9:21 PM) Ahhh:	haha good la better then mine finally u enjoyed ur self
(9:22 PM) little weirdo~~那:	ouh maybe
(9:23 PM) Ahhh:	so 25 in ur mouth 25 in ur ass then 50 in ur pussy ah amazing
(9:23 PM) little weirdo~~那:	ya
(9:24 PM) Ahhh:	you want to know sumthing
(9:24 PM) little weirdo~~那:	if u wanna tell me..
(9:24 PM) Ahhh:	i only like u for sex
(9:24 PM) little weirdo~~那:	ouh.. ok.. then?
(9:25 PM) Ahhh:	yep yep so when u cannot stastify me i started to get bored of u
(9:25 PM) little weirdo~~那:	ok.. find another girl lo
(9:25 PM) Ahhh:	have already lo
(9:25 PM) little weirdo~~那:	u found suki alr rite?
(9:26 PM) Ahhh:	yep yep
(9:26 PM) little weirdo~~那:	ok gd la
(9:26 PM) Ahhh:	yep yep
(9:26 PM) little weirdo~~那:	should hv let u fnd others earlier
(9:27 PM) Ahhh:	actually when i am with u i already have i was two timing u
(9:27 PM) little weirdo~~那:	ouh really? tats gd la
(9:27 PM) Ahhh:	yep
(9:28 PM) little weirdo~~那:	congrats
(9:28 PM) Ahhh:	thanx thanx
(9:28 PM) Ahhh:	so was it fun to sleep in a guys car then let him take advantage of u
(9:28 PM) little weirdo~~那:	i wanna go out for a drink ttyl
(9:29 PM) Ahhh:	haha ok go drink all u wan till u vomit on ur self
(9:29 PM) little weirdo~~那:	ok
(9:29 PM) Ahhh:	yep yep don later u wake up u found ur self in hotel haha
(9:30 PM) little weirdo~~那:	i will try to do tat
(9:30 PM) Ahhh:	haha ok then get pregnant best time of your life
(9:30 PM) little weirdo~~那:	ya
(9:30 PM) Ahhh:	yep yep
(9:31 PM) Ahhh:	then go abortion then go fuck summore nice
(9:31 PM) little weirdo~~那:	ok gd suggestion
(9:32 PM) Ahhh:	yep yep
(9:32 PM) Ahhh:	then can try to suck dick also when u drinking taste nicer i hear
(9:32 PM) little weirdo~~那:	ok i will
(9:33 PM) Ahhh:	yep yep then wat else hmm
(9:34 PM) Ahhh:	then walk around naked at woodlands
(9:34 PM) little weirdo~~那:	ya gd idea
(9:34 PM) Ahhh:	with the can of beer up ur pussy haha
(9:34 PM) Ahhh:	u like all that attention right
(9:34 PM) little weirdo~~那:	ya
(9:34 PM) Ahhh:	all the guys looking at you see ur naked body
(9:35 PM) little weirdo~~那:	ya feels gd
(9:35 PM) Ahhh:	haha wow making me horny already ok la you go drink i wan call some one
(9:35 PM) little weirdo~~那:	ok
(9:35 PM) Ahhh:	good night i will torture u again tomoro

Session Start: Saturday, 2 October, 2010

little weirdo~~那件白色外套依然是我的最爱... (leeleelonglong1010@hotmail.com)
Ahhh (zuanster@gmail.com)

(10:27 PM) Ahhh:	eh still here haven go drink or u still complaining to ur fren about the bastard ex bf u have
(10:28 PM) little weirdo~~那:	ouh no
(10:29 PM) Ahhh:	oh so lets continue
(10:30 PM) little weirdo~~那:	ouh
(10:31 PM) Ahhh:	yep cry finish?
(10:31 PM) little weirdo~~那:	ya..
(10:33 PM) Ahhh:	good good time to cry more then
(10:33 PM) little weirdo~~那:	ok
(10:34 PM) Ahhh:	so u still watching drama ah
(10:34 PM) little weirdo~~那:	ya
(10:36 PM) Ahhh:	what drama
(10:37 PM) little weirdo~~那:	korean
(10:37 PM) Ahhh:	what name
(10:38 PM) little weirdo~~那:	wife seduction
(10:38 PM) Ahhh:	wow the story just like u seduce ppl
(10:38 PM) little weirdo~~那:	ya
(10:38 PM) Ahhh:	haha when u taking out ur hiar u still owe me money
(10:39 PM) little weirdo~~那:	300?
(10:39 PM) Ahhh:	no la 10 dollars if u wan pay me back also can then 300 dollars
(10:41 PM) little weirdo~~那:	ok give me ur acc number
(10:41 PM) Ahhh:	hold on ah
(10:42 PM) Ahhh:	120961616 so 300 right
(10:42 PM) little weirdo~~那:	ok
(10:43 PM) Ahhh:	when u going transfer
(10:43 PM) little weirdo~~那:	when i hv money..
(10:43 PM) Ahhh:	which is?
(10:43 PM) little weirdo~~那:	i dun know u need the moeny?
(10:44 PM) Ahhh:	ya then i can book rooms more often
(10:45 PM) little weirdo~~那:	i only hv money on november
(10:46 PM) Ahhh:	later ur birthday got money already what
(10:46 PM) little weirdo~~那:	how come my bday got money?
(10:47 PM) Ahhh:	birthday ur parents nv give u money meh
(10:47 PM) little weirdo~~那:	no nvr
(10:47 PM) Ahhh:	wah sucks to be you
(10:47 PM) little weirdo~~那:	oh
(10:50 PM) Ahhh:	ya
(10:50 PM) little weirdo~~那:	ok
(10:51 PM) Ahhh:	so what ur parents gave u
(10:51 PM) little weirdo~~那:	ntg
(10:51 PM) Ahhh:	thats sad
(10:51 PM) little weirdo~~那:	ouh ok
(10:54 PM) Ahhh:	yep yep then u celebrate alone?
(10:55 PM) little weirdo~~那:	no maybe dun know yet
(10:55 PM) Ahhh:	oh ur 100 sex bubby celebrate with u
(10:55 PM) little weirdo~~那:	ok
(10:58 PM) Ahhh:	haha
(11:02 PM) Ahhh:	then got "candles" for u to blow haha
(11:02 PM) little weirdo~~那:	ya
(11:03 PM) Ahhh:	haha thats funny got candles for u to blow
(11:03 PM) little weirdo~~那:	ya
(11:03 PM) Ahhh:	so how many penis u suck already
(11:03 PM) little weirdo~~那:	1000
(11:04 PM) Ahhh:	wow so 1 guy 10 times at one time ah can fit in ur mouth ah
(11:04 PM) little weirdo~~那:	ya
(11:04 PM) Ahhh:	iw an see
(11:04 PM) little weirdo~~那:	oh
(11:05 PM) Ahhh:	can i i wan see u suck other guys dick then i can masturbate
(11:06 PM) little weirdo~~那:	ok
(11:06 PM) Ahhh:	haha wow ok when u sucking dick call me
(11:06 PM) little weirdo~~那:	ok
(11:07 PM) Ahhh:	okokokokokok
(11:07 PM) little weirdo~~那:	ya
(11:09 PM) Ahhh:	i got video of u naked
(11:09 PM) little weirdo~~那:	then?
(11:11 PM) Ahhh:	i showed it to my fren
(11:11 PM) little weirdo~~那:	then?
(11:12 PM) Ahhh:	then he sad look like a man haha
(11:13 PM) little weirdo~~那:	ok
(11:13 PM) Ahhh:	haha yep yep
(11:13 PM) little weirdo~~那:	OKOK
(11:13 PM) Ahhh:	can i upload online give gutterunconsored
(11:13 PM) little weirdo~~那:	xan can
(11:13 PM) Ahhh:	wow ok
(11:14 PM) Ahhh:	cause there alot of this local sex video of naked photos
(11:14 PM) little weirdo~~那:	ok
(11:14 PM) Ahhh:	but usually all hot gerls donno if they would show urs hmm jusst try only
(11:15 PM) little weirdo~~那:	ok
(11:15 PM) Ahhh:	haha yep yepo
(11:15 PM) little weirdo~~那:	ok
(11:16 PM) Ahhh:	then u be famous when its out then from 100 then u get 10000 fuck buddys
(11:17 PM) little weirdo~~那:	ok
(11:17 PM) Ahhh:	haha i m starting to enjoy this
(11:17 PM) little weirdo~~那:	ok
(11:17 PM) Ahhh:	yep yep
(11:18 PM) Ahhh:	can u burn my jacket i don wan u to use it already
(11:19 PM) little weirdo~~那:	ok
(11:19 PM) Ahhh:	if u wear it then got car bang u ok so don wear
(11:20 PM) little weirdo~~那:	ok
(11:20 PM) Ahhh:	good good good girl why are u not this obidient last time
(11:21 PM) little weirdo~~那:	got car bang me also gd actually then can just die hmm
(11:22 PM) Ahhh:	why
(11:22 PM) little weirdo~~那:	maybe 2morrow should try it
(11:22 PM) Ahhh:	theny ur mum miserable don care about ur mum ah
(11:22 PM) little weirdo~~那:	tats her problem
(11:22 PM) Ahhh:	ur sister ur brother
(11:22 PM) little weirdo~~那:	not for u to care
(11:22 PM) Ahhh:	who say i care i was refering to u
(11:23 PM) little weirdo~~那:	gd la
(11:23 PM) Ahhh:	still as stupid as always
(11:23 PM) little weirdo~~那:	then should cros the orchard road without prebestian crossing1
(11:23 PM) Ahhh:	go lo tell me for wat
(11:24 PM) Ahhh:	but don be stupid la
(11:24 PM) little weirdo~~那:	ok
(11:24 PM) Ahhh:	always take the easy way out coward ah u
(11:25 PM) Ahhh:	eh ur hand tired and weak cause too much fucking ah wat position u do till like tat
(11:26 PM) little weirdo~~那:	ya
(11:26 PM) Ahhh:	wah wat position u do oh ur help ur sexy buddy masterbate till arm ache haha i see i see so if both hands means got 2
(11:27 PM) Ahhh:	wow dam naughty
(11:27 PM) little weirdo~~那:	ya
(11:27 PM) Ahhh:	haha wild i don want say tat word
(11:29 PM) Ahhh:	eh why nv reply already crying is it
(11:31 PM) little weirdo~~那:	ok
(11:31 PM) Ahhh:	wow i love to see u cry right now
(11:31 PM) little weirdo~~那:	ok
(11:31 PM) Ahhh:	show me
(11:31 PM) little weirdo~~那:	ok
(11:32 PM) Ahhh:	so where? u said ok
(11:33 PM) little weirdo~~那:	ok
(11:33 PM) Ahhh:	u are a bitch
(11:33 PM) little weirdo~~那:	ok
(11:33 PM) Ahhh:	haha this is fun u like to fuck a horse
(11:33 PM) little weirdo~~那:	ok
(11:33 PM) Ahhh:	haha nice
(11:33 PM) little weirdo~~那:	ok
(11:34 PM) Ahhh:	so how many guys u sleep with in 1 hr
(11:34 PM) little weirdo~~那:	ok
(11:34 PM) Ahhh:	haha ok
(11:34 PM) little weirdo~~那:	ok
(11:38 PM) Ahhh:	haha ok
(11:39 PM) Ahhh:	why u don wan change ur nick i don let u wear already burn it
(11:40 PM) little weirdo~~那:	ok
(11:40 PM) Ahhh:	ok and so shave ur moustache dam ugly haha
(11:41 PM) Ahhh:	*go
(11:41 PM) Ahhh:	wow this must be the meanest day of my lif *life
(11:43 PM) Ahhh:	are u still there
(11:43 PM) Ahhh:	hai nv reply already boring
(11:45 PM)	little weirdo~~那件白色外套依然是我的最爱... has changed his/her status to Idle

why??!!

2010-09-30T04:05:00.000+08:00

Why were you talked to me today? Why must u do that to me?

Why are you telling me all these?

Tell me that you still miss me...

tell me that you still follow my facebook updates..

tell me that you still care for me...

Why must you tell me? Why must you let me know?

Do you know that it's not easy to make myself withdraw from sending message to you?

How hard I control myself from chatting with you in MSN?

Went to Ikea with Chin, really make me freaking upset.. because it's a place where we spend our time together..having meal there..

Even now, I went to Long John Silver, passed by Manhatten Fish Market, having meal at Subway with another guy.. The memories that we had together, they just flashed out and it's totally out of control...

All these, I really don't know who I can share it with when this happen..

So what if i say i still miss you? Meeting you is the best birthday present I can ever have?

How could i tell you all these? How? Why?

I don't expect anyone to understand, or believe me..

Have a date with other guy, my mind doesn't at ease..at all...

Love you or not, miss you or not, let it be with me, without anyone knowing it.. because I'm tired of explaining my feeling nowadays..

Knowing all these.. makes me feel happy yet sad.. tears out of control again.. but luckily, I'm not outside in the crowd.. I'm hiding under my blanket till my tears dried out...

stupid things that i had done 2day..

2010-09-19T18:28:00.000+08:00

What is the stupid things i had done today?

I cried in the MRT on my way home from woodland..

Why?

I guess i was too tired, and out of sudden, i wish to have a partner who can give me a real future, so that I 'll not have to worried where to stay if there's no house for me to stay in Singapore...

And out of sudden, I missed him so much..

I know he hated me very much due to my mood swing and bad attitude towards him, and this lead to his misunderstood that I like another guy.

I don't want to explain anything to him anymore..

It'll only show my guilty by trying to explain...

I hope he is happy with his current life.. while me, trying hard to have a better life..

My October work schedule is out, and i work almost everyday except my and mom's birthday..

I have a birthday wish that will never come true, which is i know it will never happen... let it be my secret ok?

Sometimes, I have a urge to talk to him or something.. but i know he will not entertain me..

My feeling... i don't wish to let him know anymore...

I hope this feeling will go away soon.. because... i have no space to cry out anymore...

if...

2010-08-19T17:12:00.001+08:00

If the man in my family is capable.. i guess i will not look for warmth outside..

If the man in my family is capable, mom and i will not do guys work...

If the man in my family is capable, my family will not have to suffer like this..

If the man in my family is capable, we will not need to be humiliate by other family members..

I want to tell my brother, i was once being looked down by my father, he think i'm only good in fashioning, buy new clothes and put on make ups. He only saw this side of me. I used 1 year time to prove that i'm not that kind of girl. I want to let him know that I'm not only good in these, but I'm good in academic too. I scored 4 A's in SPM. He shut himself up and applied Singapore PR for me. And now I realized that by scoring all these, not only to prove it to my father, but also to help my mom who had always defend me whenever my father scolded her for not teaching me well enough. What I had done for my SPM, is the result of what i have right now. Continue studying overseas. I hope my brother will realize one day, that what mom forced us to do isn't wrong. Maybe the wrong method by nagging non stop, scolding, it is for our own good. I had went through all these that's why i said, mom was right. What we do now, is what we will get for our future. And our future, she's only sharing it with us, not own it for us.

Maybe my brother will not read this, but i do hope 1 day, he will realize, before it's really too late...

a lousy day...

2010-08-19T16:50:00.000+08:00

Why I say it's a lousy day? Because i had diarrhea when I'm doing my shopping at Tao Payoh and when I'm working!! Omg.. i had this diarrhea once a month.. and what make it more lousy is work place at Tao Payoh doesn't have a proper toilet with toilet paper there. Only 1 word can describe: LOUSY!!

my new look!!

2010-08-14T00:13:00.000+08:00

Ridzuan get me a full hair extension at Far East Plaza on 7th of August. Well, I'm quite excited when he say wanna get me hair extension as he wanna give me a very early birthday present with his very 1st pay. He that time, as my friend, after we break up for 5 days. We still keep in touch after we break up as he say he wanna be my best friend even we can't become a couple. It's quite weird for me to be his best friend after what had happen, but with his accompany for that 5 days, I didn't feel lonely or lose him.

During FYP celebration BBQ, I really had an enjoyable time. To be frank, I do feel free as in my feeling doesn't feel so heavy like when we are being together, like he was too paranoid with what i do, so everytime i go out, i feel that I'm responsible for what I'm doing. Like i need to report for what I had done for the whole day, so when we break up, i feel sad, but a bit relax...

After BBQ, Ridzuan came and pick us up, I guess I gave him the wrong impression that I'm angry with him or don't like him. I'm sorry, I don't mean it. Then we meet up the next day.

When we shop at Far East Plaza without holding each others hand, or no intimate body language, I feel weird. And my body just move towards him, just like having the illusion that we are still together. He is like a magnet to me, keep attract my eyes and body towards him. I must be crazy...

When I do my hair extension, he went to another saloon for a hair cut, and guess what? I had to wait for him for another 30 mins, and I don't have money with me, that's scary to wait there without money with you!! I'm so scared that he will just ran away and leave me there, so I kept sms him and ask him to come over asap. Then he reassured me that he is not that kind of bad guy. Well, he proved he's not. He showed up after 30 mins and was shocked that he had to pay~~~ $270!!!

Lets have a look at my new hair...

He took this picture for me. Look nice right?I like this!!

And this is how it look after I wash it. Totally different from the 1st day. I like the 1st day hair more.

After that, I treat him a cup of bubble milk tea which I can afford. Then we shop there for a few hours, I didn't buy anything, but he get himself some T-shirt. I like the T- shirt that is quite tight for him, because he look sexy with the T- shirt on. Oopps.. =X

Then he send me home, we sat in the car for hours near my block. We chat. Then out of sudden he ask to patch again. Well, I do like him a lot... so i agreed, but I told him, that's the last chance I can give him, if we do not appreciate it, we will no longer be friends anymore after that. Because I can't take it anymore, as the next few months, I can't let my emotion over take me. I need to be focus during my attachment. I can live without love, but I can't live without my carrier. I'm sorry to say this, but this is the reality of my life.

Even though this relationship is brittle like it look, but it is really special for me. Fern do feel that I had changed since I be with him, I don't know whether this is a good change or what, but I do want to be with him till the day we can no longer be together...

Thx Ridzuan, for everything that you had done for me.. <3 i love you!!!

代表我的歌

2010-08-03T19:52:00.004+08:00

每个人都会犯错。曾经恳求你的原谅，你说原谅了，但是行为和言语并不是如此。我应该早就发现，打从一开始，对你说实话的那刻起，你已经不再信任我。不管我再怎么解释你都听不进去。被别人怀疑，不信任，误解，诬赖，已经不是第一次了。既然我没办法再让你相信我，不如放手让你找一个更好的女生。因为我一点都不值得。如果，你仍然认为我是那么的不专一，就随你吧。反正从小到大，尽管解释到我没气了，其他人都是不相信我的。

我决定了，这次，真的放手让你走。谢谢你让我有那么愉快的一个学期。也让我学会，太诚实，也是一种错。

Depressed

2010-08-02T15:10:00.000+08:00

This will be a depress month to me. I guess everyday is a depress day... Only have less than 260 for this month. So does next month, and guess what? I'm so demotivated to work anymore. Whatever...
Ever one will say do not give up.I don't want to give up either.

A home work from me

2010-08-01T10:21:00.001+08:00

Well, I had been long time didn't update my blog. My dear bf keep on asking me to update it.

Yes you're right! My bf!!! We patched up after 2 days of break up. Well, just that we love each other too much I think.

Lately was busy with:

1. final year project --> done!

Everyone had fun I guess. (According to their posting... they said they have fun, thanks to so and so's or every one's hard work) But to me, the process of getting things ready for that day was the fun part. Brain cracking for the items building, the effect and so on. To me, FYP actually itself was boring, although we had Mc breakfast sponsored by Ms. Lee Siew Hua, lunch by Mr. Bernard Lian. Thank to them, I guess they spent quite a number on it.. And another fun thing is I put on ugly make up that scared people. Hahaha.. i like that make up especially the mouth ulcer, but most of the people thought I had been wacked by don't know who.. thanks to Katija who put on the ugly make up for me!!

2. Presentations--> done!

Well, can't say anything. For those who don't have any problems, I'm fine for that. But those who have problems, I just can't stop hating them. I know I have a problem whereby I don't talk to those people I don't like. I know it's obvious, but I just can't control it. I remembered there's some people say so: if there's only 1 person hates you, the problem lies on that person. But if there are a lot of people in 1 group hate you, means the problems lies on you. Get me?? So do not blame others for hating you because you are the problems.

3. Work--> never gonna done!!!

Work will never finish. Why? Because money will never be enough!!! Thinking of stop working but I just can't unless I get sponsorship from NUH.. Till now they never reply... Never mind then because I'll not stop applying until they fuck me up.. Too much bill to pay but too little money to cover... sad...

4. Relationship--> Patched up!

Patched up with him. Before that, I'm so down. Because when ever I think of him, I feel sad. I told Shuang that I need some time to recover, and I think I almost did that. But he asked me to patched up with him the next morning after we met for the last time. Hmm.. there's 1 warning I want to give him here.

If you say out break up for 1 more time, there will be no patch up again!! Do you hear me?? Because I don't think I can tolerate a guy who always say break up easily. And guess what? You are the 1st guy who dumped me!!! Happy??

4. Family--> never gonna done!!

For these 3 years, almost, this is the longest period I didn't go home because of work, presentations, FYP, exams. Wow, almost 3 months I didn't go home!! I miss them a lot man!! I felt sorry for my mom because she keep asking me, when will I come home? I can't wait to go home, but 1st I need to work more so that I can have money to buy things. Muahahaha!!!

OK!! Home work done!!! Love ya baby!!!

songs that suits me for now...

2010-07-23T18:31:00.005+08:00

Fish Leong's "Happy break up" (in translation).

Huali treated me Mc to celebrate my break up with him. She say I will find a better guy in future. I had no comment on it... because I know myself, although I'll still look for some one who can always chat with me via sms or MSN, still I just don't want...

This is a very good songs for those who just break up with their partners.

Enjoy!!!

2010-07-22T20:38:00.000+08:00

You showered me with love, pampered me like a little princess...

For 4 months..

We went to Genting togather...

And now, you decided to leave me alone.. all alone...

I thought I won't feel sad if we break up.. but i was wrong... totally wrong...

It's really hurt.. to think that I can't be with you anymore...

I know I need to move on, but I felt like I had lost something important in my life..

I feel like I'm totally lost in my life...

All the troubles did not go off but add on..

This is the first time, I ask myself, what should I do now???

I'm so lost...

I'm such a failure...

2010-07-21T17:57:00.000+08:00

Fail in relationship, leadership, friendship, now even in napfa test. Just haven't fail as a daughter. What else can I fail? Seriously, I'm stucked.
What else am I good in? All the bad things I guess... Nothing I had done well so far in my life...

i just don't get it...

2010-07-21T10:37:00.002+08:00

I went out with Huali and Shuang Shuang last night to Chinatown. It's a sudden decision to go with them, as I don't feel like going home early.

Actually I'm sick for the past 5 days. Cough and flu.

I don't know what happen, and also don't know how to start either.

I think I did told him that I want to go Chinatown with my girl's friends. Then after his work I just get a "NO!" reply. He always say that, so I'm confused whether the "NO" is a joke or a serious one.

But it's too late, because I had already reached there. Maybe will be a bit nasty here, but I'm just telling him that I'm going there with so and so, not asking for permission. Because to me, this is the least respectation I can give to my partner by letting him know where I'm going, with who, and what I'm going to do there. If he think this thought is not necessary, I'll stop doing that then. Because I believe if i respect others sincerely, they will know. That's my believe and practice.

After that, he ask what had I did the whole day. Well, I forget that I really need to explain from the beginning of the day or else he will not satisfied. I explained but to be frank, I'm not really happy. I know he is paranoid and feel insecure, and I had tried to explain and tell all the details even though my memory is really limited.

I really don't know what to do now. I don't want to cry or anything, but the more I think, tears just drop non- stop. Something must be wrong somewhere, I want to fix it, but it must be both party, because this is not something that I can sort it out by myself.

Just really hope that things can cool down, I don't want history happen again.

And I also can't imagine what's going to happen if I went home for weeks during my vacation.

I'm not good in communicating, maybe that's why the more I say, the more he is not assured. Then what can I do? We can't have this cold war once a week. Both of us will get tired one day.

Know what? I was once wish that I was born mute. So that I'll not hurt or cause any fight or quarrel with anyone. When I was young, I always cause mom and dad to quarrel because of my voice out. When I'm in school, people see me as sarcastic. And now, due to poor communication skill, I had this cold war and poor explanation with my bf. So if I'm really born mute, all thoughts and feelings will just keep to myself....

My ugly thought...

2010-07-19T14:32:00.000+08:00

Shuang ask me what's my budget for the rental. I thought 250-300 would be enough. But I was scolded by her by having this stupid grandeous thought that this amount of money would be enough for my room. Then I'm so shocked that I have to pay $300-$400 just for 1 room. My day was being destroyed by this info.
I thought want to get an I phone but now, I hesitate again. I wanted to get free from worrying about my and family's financial problems. I'm really tired of worried about these every single day.

I had try my luck by applying sponsorship with NUH. Well, just hope I can get it...

A wednesday night

2010-07-15T18:32:00.001+08:00

I meet up with Ridzuan last night. And we had Subway again. Wow, I had been having Subway 3 times this month. Broke liao la...
Then we head back to my place and as usual we sit in the car and chat. We chat quite a lot of stuffs, and out of sudden our topic stops at marriage. He say when I get married, must remember to invite him. And then that idiot ask me not to cry when my eyes almost filled with tears. Then I ask that idiot how he know I will or want to cry, he said, because he is crying...
Actually we both know what's the outcome for our relationship. But still we choose to go on. He actually is that kind of guy that I am looking for. He can hold a baby, bath them, change baby's diapers, and can bear with my nonsense and temper. Respect me and most important, he want a pure relationship with me.
Of course, all these sounds like I like him because he can match my criteria. Well, I admit this. Hahaha...
Huali always ask me, whenever I say we will not have happy ending togather, then why we till being togather at the first place? I don't know, just the feeling want to be with this guy as long as I can. Then she ask me to negotiate with my mom, I have this thought also, but the last time I called home, I realized that dad is always waiting for us (his children) to make mistakes then he can have a chance to balme mom for not teaching us good enough. Like I always say, he is not a good father. And I'm not a good daughter either. If I'm good enough, I'll not do this to hurt my family...
And I gave him the personality test that Mr. Clemuse gave us. Guess what kind of personality he have? Same like mine. Stable: dependable, low self esteem, shy, easy going, and all these equal to --- easy to be bullied. Hahahaa

2010-07-13T16:47:00.000+08:00

Ridzuan starts working one week ago. I admit that I really can't take it when we did not sms or talk on the phone for that 1 week. I feel so depressed and I felt like losing him soon. Well, this is the 2nd week he work, I guess I started to get used to it already. So till today, I'm still ok with it. But don't know can last till weekend or not.

I missed him a lot. <3

Will be going to wok later on, as I had not enough money already. Something not really happy happen between Huali and Shuang Shuang. And if this continuous, I'm not dare to imagine what's going to happen soon.

Can only cross finger and pray hard that they won't end up with fierce quarrel.

I think I'm going home during YOG break. So that I can top up my lingerie at JUSCO. Hahaha.. hope by the time I went there for shopping, there's 70% discount!!!

Ate too much these few days because of my bad mood. Need o cut down and starts to work out as the NAPFA test is coming soon.

And to be frank, I really don't like M'sian guys or girls. So irritating especially the old chef in Tao Payoh outlet!! I want to change hand phone number asap. But also need to cross finger and pray hard that I'll not be arranged to work at that outlet anymore. Keep asking me out. What for? His age can be my father. And I also don't like to work at AMK outlet. They are sucks and lots of problems. Just simply don't like it...

i'm so sorry...

2010-07-08T09:27:00.000+08:00

This sorry, I want to post to a lot of people.

First, Xia Huali. I borrowed her thumb drive yesterday to save the Management e- lecture. But when we want to go, I just left the thumb drive there. And I only realized I forget to plug it out when I'm at home around 6pm where we actually leave the school by 11am. What a sucks memory I have. Lost the thumb drive, i can still buy a new one for her, but the info inside the thumb drive, I can never replace it. Although she never say anything, but I still feel shame to see her again. Like I had done a real big mistakes. Arghh..

And this is not the first time i lost a thumb drive. I lost a few of mine since this semester. I can only admit that my luck is super duper bad.

Secondly, apologize to my boyfriend. I sorry that I'm kind of avoid to talk to you this few days. Although I tried to talk with you, but after a few messages, I'm sick of it. I was wondering is it my fault that I can't talk in a way you like to. And then all the negative feeling came over and I starts thinking all the bad things. Even though before we became a couple, I already know you are that kind of person who like to talk in such a way. But sometimes, I just can't take it. I know using avoidance won't last long. And giving in? I think only can last for a few seconds. I'm sorry that I'm not that kind of girl. I just can't take it if this continue for a long period.

I guess why all my relationship can't last long because I'm not willing to give in... but I do want to be with you till the day we really forbidden by my parents.

I can't wait for Saturday...

Thirdly, I want to apologize to my group members. I know I'm a sucks group leader. I also don't know what had happen that lead us to become like this. Maybe everyone of us just want to graduate. Well, I'm not sure what I want to say also. I only know that I had done my best to arrange things, time and info for you all. Like the Management says, nurses can't do their job alone. I hope you all understand this theory. I can arrange all the info but I can't complete it all by myself, because I'm not that capable. I can only say, co- operation is the best solution for all of us since we all want to be graduate safely.

Fourth, I want to apologize to myself. I had no idea what I had done wrong to cause me in all these states. Probably it's just me who can't see my own mistakes but always spots others. Reflection done on myself. Most of them say I'm sarcastic. Then things happen, I don't know what to do. I changed, to become a better person, but do i success? In terms of not being sarcastic? No one tell me. I know if there's some one rules out my weakness, I guess it must be a lot. Friends always say I'm so pessimistic, look sad all the time, stressed. How am I not when I need something but I couldn't have? And I keep on making the same fucking mistakes in my life. If I can't really cope with my school life, how am I going to cope the hospital life?? I seriously had no idea.

2010-06-28T23:08:00.001+08:00

Ridzuan gave me a surprise by coming over my house by bringing a cup of KOI cafe honey milk tea, Salonpas for my stiff and numb lower back. Thanks baby.. I'm touched and happy.. really really happy...

And again, THANK YOU so so so much!!! Muackx!!!

What a few days...

2010-06-28T16:25:00.000+08:00

My last event was on 21th- 23th June 2010. Went to Genting. I'm excited not because of I can have a short getaway but more excited because I can spend 3 days continuously with Ridzuan, my boyfriend. Well, we had a good time together, know each other more, and we even had a small quarrel during the trip. Why we quarrel during such a nice trip? Because I realized that he lied to me about he is ok with all the extreme rides when I ask him before I conducted this trip. And kind of waste if just came here without taking any rides. But luckily he bearded with a few rides like Cyclone and Flying don't know what. After that he felt that he can't take it anymore. He accompanied me with the long queue for Space Shot, and I took the ride twice. He was so scared when I took the ride, but I just don't care. Met an indian girl when I queued up for the Space Shot. She also from Sg, and I just don't understand why those guys just like to squeeze near you when they have so many space to stand. Felt like being molested openly... =( It's his fault that left me with those disgusting guy.. I just hope you can be there to protect me... He phobia of high and I scared of touching snakes. Scary!!
Ok, done with the Genting, sorry that I didn't post any photos about Genting because I'm lazy... =.=!!!

Came back to SG. Well, need to go to school early in the morning on next day for some studying and get store room key from Mr. Bernard. Waited for Indah to pass her the key, and I had waited from 10.30am to around 5pm. I know she need to rush to YCK from Brash Basah to get something for the mascot. But honestly I just hate waiting. I'm not that kind of patient person, do grumble a bit but no harsh intention, so Indah, please don't get too serious with this post ok? Hahaha =)

After that what did I do?? Then the next day, I stay at home for studying too and didn't go out as I cook quite a big pot of porridge that PC and I couldn't finish. So the left over I took it as my dinner for the next day. So in the end, I din really took rice for around 3 days, 25th- 27th. Wow, and today I had my first paper. I finished it earlier than the time being set. I met Yi Ru outside as she also finished early. We talk and walk until we reached North/ South canteen (till now also can't remember) only then I remember that I want to eat rice. Hahaha.. Then we separate there.

Oh ya.. last night, Ridzuan and I had a small misunderstood that can cause us a big quarrel. He said I never express my love to him. That I couldn't say: "I love you" in front of him or via the phone. He thought I still loved my ex so much and treated him just a guy after the big break up.
Quite upset to hear him saying that he can't feel my love sometimes.. Maybe at first I just merely likes him, i'm not that kind of girl who really can say out "I love you" loudly.. And i guess he knew I'm that kind of person. I'm just shy.
I don't realized that this can bother him as he always express what and how he feel towards me. Like our characteristics are opposite, he is the GF and I'm the BF. Hahaha... After that I asked him, "Do you really think I just like you?" I guess deep in his heart, he knows that I do LOVE him.. If not, why would I treat him meals and buy some snacks for his parents? I can just happily save the money to get myself something else..
Now, Mhd. Ridzuan, I LOVE U!!! Happy??
Then we clear up our doubt at around 1am plus.

And I get my breast "upsized"!!! Hahaha.. No la. I get my menses. Although it came at the quite wrong timing, but just happy that I can still get my menses without taking any medication. Yay!!!
Try to prepare Huali's bday present, but I guess it will be a delayed birthday present again.. But i'll make sure you receive it!! Wait and see!! Therefore, I need my dearest BF to help me get this done...

Trying so hard to find some time to go home as I had 1 month din go back. I missed mom so much, and her frozen bak chang. Dad get his this month's salary changed to Ringgit M'sia, pay for my grandma's October's air ticket to Australia again!! He rather let his own family dying of hunger. What kind of father he is?? Can't he just wait till September? Egoistic man!! How I hope I can just give my mom some allowance now.. I'm useless too.. But mom was so strong and said she can afford family's expenses even though just depends on her hard work. I'm proud to have such strong mom!! LOVE U!!!

Ok, need to back to study now!!! Jia you!!!