i just don't get it...

I went out with Huali and Shuang Shuang last night to Chinatown. It's a sudden decision to go with them, as I don't feel like going home early. 

Actually I'm sick for the past 5 days. Cough and flu. 

I don't know what happen, and also don't know how to start either. 

I think I did told him that I want to go Chinatown with my girl's friends. Then after his work I just get a "NO!" reply. He always say that, so I'm confused whether the "NO" is a joke or a serious one.

But it's too late, because I had already reached there. Maybe will be a bit nasty here, but I'm just telling him that I'm going there with so and so, not asking for permission. Because to me, this is the least respectation I can give to my partner by letting him know where I'm going, with who, and what I'm going to do there. If he think this thought is not necessary, I'll stop doing that then. Because I believe if i respect others sincerely, they will know. That's my believe and practice.

After that, he ask what had I did the whole day. Well, I forget that I really need to explain from the beginning of the day or else he will not satisfied. I explained but to be frank, I'm not really happy. I know he is paranoid and feel insecure, and I had tried to explain and tell all the details even though my memory is really limited. 

I really don't know what to do now. I don't want to cry or anything, but the more I think, tears just drop non- stop. Something must be wrong somewhere, I want to fix it, but it must be both party, because this is not something that I can sort it out by myself. 

Just really hope that things can cool down, I don't want history happen again. 

And I also can't imagine what's going to happen if I went home for weeks during my vacation. 

I'm not good in communicating, maybe that's why the more I say, the more he is not assured. Then what can I do? We can't have this cold war once a week. Both of us will get tired one day. 

Know what? I was once wish that I was born mute. So that I'll not hurt or cause any fight or quarrel with anyone. When I was young, I always cause mom and dad to quarrel because of my voice out. When I'm in school, people see me as sarcastic. And now, due to poor communication skill, I had this cold war and poor explanation with my bf. So if I'm really born mute, all thoughts and feelings will just keep to myself....