my mistakes..

A patient of mine fall from the bed today. Early in the morning. I was doing my night shift, 1st night shift.  

I couldn't manipulate because he fell down due to my negligence. Just a minute of eye resting causes all these. No matter how alert i am throughout the whole night. Once a fall happened, all the blame is yours.

Sister said, no matter how many precaution you had done, a fall is a fall. People will not take the process into consideration but will only see the outcome. 

Well, i must admit that. They won't, and I'm fucking hate this ward. The longer i'm there, the more i hate myself. Sometimes, i questioned myself, why am i here, in this world?? I felt lke sharing this with the people that i care, but it just seems like so far and so hard to say it out, especially my family. I couldn't see family members as a party that i can share my bitterness of my life. I think something is wrong with me. Should i just left this world?? 

Now, my mind, my heart, feels pain. And i felt like slashing myself again. As a punishment for doing all these mistakes. But its kind of pointless to do that, in others opinion. I think i have some mental disorder. Depression is what make me feels alive deep down in my heart. Am i crazy?? Am i alone? Am i so selfish that choose to give up when i encountered failure? I am a coward... i know i am... Why i have this kind of behavior and why i can't change myself?? I'm so clueless, so emo, so useless, so so so and so on...

Fear..

PRCP still left with 5 weeks. Suppose to be happy with this, but started to worry about my future. Which pathway should i go for my career. I counted the salary that i have to earn each month, at least $1600 to cover most of my monthly expenses. I'm really worried because I want to support my family and pay for my own daily expenses. These worries will resolve if i decided to work in the ward, but I really don't want to. 

Will I find a job that I really want? Or i'll have to end up with daily ward routine? I know I'm not a passionate person, no motivation to update myself. All i want is a normal calm, safe life to be. Sounds so useless right?? I'm not really enjoy life that is too dramatic. I'm so scared and phobia to extreme life changes. Perhaps I'm too old (mental). 

Well, what can i do?? What can i choose?? Salary? Or life that i want which i assume will make me feel much more happier??? I had no idea. Not a single dot...

Depression overwhelmed me again... luckily i still have Andrew, a guy who always msg with me and keep me accompany whenever I really need some one to talk to. I do appreciate that... thx!!

2008-2011

Photos taken from 2007, in perlis. My hometown

2008, 1st few months when i just reach Singapore to study. Nursing in NYP.

2009. A year with lots of ups and downs. But like others, I manage to pull over. And get it done.

Knee injury that happen to me continously for both knees. How lucky I am.

Below are the photos that taken at AMK house. Forgotten which year. But the hair style looks the same.

Don't worry!! It's fake. I can no longer own this kind of hair again because I can't take it when i saw my hair is growing. Hahaha. I know i look gorgeous...

2011. New year eve with Lynn. which i will never forget the night. A horrible night with lots of human and taxis were fully booked.

PRCP. Well, not really like it but I have to pass in order to graduate. Life ain't as sucks as before. But to compare my life and onco patient, I think I should appreciate it more than i suppose to be.

My life:

with friends, i guess they know much I miss them and how i appreciate what they had done for me and what i had done for them. I know I had your support whenever I need it. 

Family: i made a mistake by making mom worried about me. For my father, I still hate him. But I won't be that heartless to leave him behind.

love story? So far it would be blank page.

Craps!

Well, for your information, i'm using my sony ericson jalou to post this because my nokia c6 touch screen no longer sensitive. Lots of things happened to me for the past 5 weeks. I almost suffer from depression during PRCP.
I met all sorts of human there. I told Xiao Juan, my preceptor that working is more like acting, act like you're enjoy working with this people, even though deep down in your heart, you're fucking hate them. I spend almost 5 weeks to make myself to be well presented in terms of 'building rapore' with them. They are those people that I'll never open my heart to. Not even Dolly, another PRCP student from NYP.
I'm kind of glad that friends that I care, they do understand me and allow me to be my true self. Like Peng Chin, Katija, and Suik Feng. Even though sometimes I'll be over board and i'm sorry for that.
I'm just trying my best to perform well for this 3 months. And sometimes I hate my preceptor too when she raise her voice to me. Must endure right? I will!