my mistakes..

A patient of mine fall from the bed today. Early in the morning. I was doing my night shift, 1st night shift.  

I couldn't manipulate because he fell down due to my negligence. Just a minute of eye resting causes all these. No matter how alert i am throughout the whole night. Once a fall happened, all the blame is yours.

Sister said, no matter how many precaution you had done, a fall is a fall. People will not take the process into consideration but will only see the outcome. 

Well, i must admit that. They won't, and I'm fucking hate this ward. The longer i'm there, the more i hate myself. Sometimes, i questioned myself, why am i here, in this world?? I felt lke sharing this with the people that i care, but it just seems like so far and so hard to say it out, especially my family. I couldn't see family members as a party that i can share my bitterness of my life. I think something is wrong with me. Should i just left this world?? 

Now, my mind, my heart, feels pain. And i felt like slashing myself again. As a punishment for doing all these mistakes. But its kind of pointless to do that, in others opinion. I think i have some mental disorder. Depression is what make me feels alive deep down in my heart. Am i crazy?? Am i alone? Am i so selfish that choose to give up when i encountered failure? I am a coward... i know i am... Why i have this kind of behavior and why i can't change myself?? I'm so clueless, so emo, so useless, so so so and so on...