blame no one =(

I always blame and ask why is this kept happening on me. I couldn't find an answer and kept thinking that it might be fated this way for me. But just now i realized that it's not fated but it's my own action that caused all these to happen. 

What had I done? From past relationship, Ridzuan, I had learned my lesson not to date or know any malay guy anymore. But now i did it again. Serves me right if i get hurt from this friendship. Today will be the 3rd date if i manage to go out with him. I find him quite cute and love to be with him as he really can tolerate me talking non-stop for 3 hrs during our 1st meeting. Hahaha and no matter how mean i am, he will not lay his hands on me. I don't understand why i always attracted to a person that i cant have a happy ending with. Perhaps I should make this our last date?? But while waiting, i feel sad deep down in my heart. Like crying non-stop.. feel pain... I don't know how to tell all this to my girls.. i feel shame to tell them all these... 

Shame on you leelee!! Shame on you!! 

I'm so confused... "as long as you're happy" can no longer be use in my love life anymore... only can be use for others like my PSO job, attend to Haiyin every weekend... that's the only thing that i had done right in my life. 

My life is in a mess... but no body knows that... but now i think some will know... I always screwed up my life and my body.. I must control myself from becoming an alcoholic... but beer really make me feel at ease.. like a lavender calm oil, something like that...

Oh ya.. i met a chinese guy also. and he has Wei long's look!! Freaks!! okok.. how does he had his feel?? Let me tell you.. his fingers looked like his. His spectacles looked alike. His hug feels alike. Omg... what else?? I'm totally lost when i found out that he actually stay at Hougang and parents had divorced.. what a fucking coincidence.. this is crazy... but a totally different would be the age.. he is 33 this year.. 10 yrs older than i am. Cool right?? 

I was wondering should i just bury myself under the deep deep sea so that i'll not appear on the lala land anymore!!

Good thing about my work is, i can use the patient use desktop to blog while waiting for a unwanted idiot who just msg me and ask me to go home after i had waited for more than an hour!! How stupid i am... YES!! i know!! STUPID!! and not worth it.. but but but... i just wanna see him.. that's all... 

Ok!! Fine!! i'll make this our last meeting!! How about that?? Erm... If i can just ignore his msg that ask me out suddenly.. like so random... arghh!! scolding people and telling them that it's stupid and not worth to wait for a guy for hours!! And now.. i'm the idiot...