songs that suits me for now...

Fish Leong's "Happy break up" (in translation).

Huali treated me Mc to celebrate my break up with him. She say I will find a better guy in future. I had no comment on it... because I know myself, although I'll still look for some one who can always chat with me via sms or MSN, still I just don't want...

This is a very good songs for those who just break up with their partners.

Enjoy!!!

You showered me with love, pampered me like a little princess...

For 4 months..

We went to Genting togather...

And now, you decided to leave me alone.. all alone... 

I thought I won't feel sad if we break up.. but i was wrong... totally wrong...

It's really hurt.. to think that I can't be with you anymore... 

I know I need to move on, but I felt like I had lost something important in my life..

I feel like I'm totally lost in my life...

All the troubles did not go off but add on..

This is the first time, I ask myself, what should I do now???

I'm so lost...

I'm such a failure...

Fail in relationship, leadership, friendship, now even in napfa test. Just haven't fail as a daughter. What else can I fail? Seriously, I'm stucked.
What else am I good in? All the bad things I guess... Nothing I had done well so far in my life...

i just don't get it...

I went out with Huali and Shuang Shuang last night to Chinatown. It's a sudden decision to go with them, as I don't feel like going home early. 

Actually I'm sick for the past 5 days. Cough and flu. 

I don't know what happen, and also don't know how to start either. 

I think I did told him that I want to go Chinatown with my girl's friends. Then after his work I just get a "NO!" reply. He always say that, so I'm confused whether the "NO" is a joke or a serious one.

But it's too late, because I had already reached there. Maybe will be a bit nasty here, but I'm just telling him that I'm going there with so and so, not asking for permission. Because to me, this is the least respectation I can give to my partner by letting him know where I'm going, with who, and what I'm going to do there. If he think this thought is not necessary, I'll stop doing that then. Because I believe if i respect others sincerely, they will know. That's my believe and practice.

After that, he ask what had I did the whole day. Well, I forget that I really need to explain from the beginning of the day or else he will not satisfied. I explained but to be frank, I'm not really happy. I know he is paranoid and feel insecure, and I had tried to explain and tell all the details even though my memory is really limited. 

I really don't know what to do now. I don't want to cry or anything, but the more I think, tears just drop non- stop. Something must be wrong somewhere, I want to fix it, but it must be both party, because this is not something that I can sort it out by myself. 

Just really hope that things can cool down, I don't want history happen again. 

And I also can't imagine what's going to happen if I went home for weeks during my vacation. 

I'm not good in communicating, maybe that's why the more I say, the more he is not assured. Then what can I do? We can't have this cold war once a week. Both of us will get tired one day. 

Know what? I was once wish that I was born mute. So that I'll not hurt or cause any fight or quarrel with anyone. When I was young, I always cause mom and dad to quarrel because of my voice out. When I'm in school, people see me as sarcastic. And now, due to poor communication skill, I had this cold war and poor explanation with my bf. So if I'm really born mute, all thoughts and feelings will just keep to myself....

My ugly thought...

Shuang ask me what's my budget for the rental. I thought 250-300 would be enough. But I was scolded by her by having this stupid grandeous thought that this amount of money would be enough for my room. Then I'm so shocked that I have to pay $300-$400 just for 1 room. My day was being destroyed by this info.
I thought want to get an I phone but now, I hesitate again. I wanted to get free from worrying about my and family's financial problems. I'm really tired of worried about these every single day.

I had try my luck by applying sponsorship with NUH. Well, just hope I can get it...

A wednesday night

I meet up with Ridzuan last night. And we had Subway again. Wow, I had been having Subway 3 times this month. Broke liao la...
Then we head back to my place and as usual we sit in the car and chat. We chat quite a lot of stuffs, and out of sudden our topic stops at marriage. He say when I get married, must remember to invite him. And then that idiot ask me not to cry when my eyes almost filled with tears. Then I ask that idiot how he know I will or want to cry, he said, because he is crying...
Actually we both know what's the outcome for our relationship. But still we choose to go on. He actually is that kind of guy that I am looking for. He can hold a baby, bath them, change baby's diapers, and can bear with my nonsense and temper. Respect me and most important, he want a pure relationship with me.
Of course, all these sounds like I like him because he can match my criteria. Well, I admit this. Hahaha...
Huali always ask me, whenever I say we will not have happy ending togather, then why we till being togather at the first place? I don't know, just the feeling want to be with this guy as long as I can. Then she ask me to negotiate with my mom, I have this thought also, but the last time I called home, I  realized that dad is always waiting for us (his children) to make mistakes then he can have a chance to balme mom for not teaching us good enough. Like I always say, he is not a good father. And I'm not a good daughter either. If I'm good enough, I'll not do this to hurt my family...
And I gave him the personality test that Mr. Clemuse gave us. Guess what kind of personality he have? Same like mine. Stable: dependable, low self esteem, shy, easy going, and all these equal to --- easy to be bullied. Hahahaa

Ridzuan starts working one week ago. I admit that I really can't take it when we did not sms or talk on the phone for that 1 week. I feel so depressed and I felt like losing him soon. Well, this is the 2nd week he work, I guess I started to get used to it already. So till today, I'm still ok with it. But don't know can last till weekend or not. 

I missed him a lot. <3

Will be going to wok later on, as I had not enough money already. Something not really happy happen between Huali and Shuang Shuang. And if this continuous, I'm not dare to imagine what's going to happen soon. 

Can only cross finger and pray hard that they won't end up with fierce quarrel. 

I think I'm going home during YOG break. So that I can top up my lingerie at JUSCO. Hahaha.. hope by the time I went there for shopping, there's 70% discount!!! 

Ate too much these few days because of my bad mood. Need o cut down and starts to work out as the NAPFA test is coming soon.

And to be frank, I really don't like M'sian guys or girls. So irritating especially the old chef in Tao Payoh outlet!! I want to change hand phone number asap. But also need to cross finger and pray hard that I'll not be arranged to work at that outlet anymore. Keep asking me out. What for? His age can be my father. And I also don't like to work at AMK outlet. They are sucks and lots of problems. Just simply don't like it...

i'm so sorry...

This sorry, I want to post to a lot of people. 

First, Xia Huali. I borrowed her thumb drive yesterday to save the Management e- lecture. But when we want to go, I just left the thumb drive there. And I only realized I forget to plug it out when I'm at home around 6pm where we actually leave the school by 11am. What a sucks memory I have. Lost the thumb drive, i can still buy a new one for her, but the info inside the thumb drive, I can never replace it. Although she never say anything, but I still feel shame to see her again. Like I had done a real big mistakes. Arghh.. 

And this is not the first time i lost a thumb drive. I lost a few of mine since this semester. I can only admit that my luck is super duper bad.

Secondly, apologize to my boyfriend. I sorry that I'm kind of avoid to talk to you this few days. Although I tried to talk with you, but after a few messages, I'm sick of it. I was wondering is it my fault that I can't talk in a way you like to. And then all the negative feeling came over and I starts thinking all the bad things. Even though before we became a couple, I already know you are that kind of person who like to talk in such a way. But sometimes, I just can't take it. I know using avoidance won't last long. And giving in? I think only can last for a few seconds. I'm sorry that I'm not that kind of girl. I just can't take it if this continue for a long period. 

I guess why all my relationship can't last long because I'm not willing to give in... but I do want to be with you till the day we really forbidden by my parents.

I can't wait for Saturday...

Thirdly, I want to apologize to my group members. I know I'm a sucks group leader. I also don't know what had happen that lead us to become like this. Maybe everyone of us just want to graduate. Well, I'm not sure what I want to say also. I only know that I had done my best to arrange things, time and info for you all. Like the Management says, nurses can't do their job alone. I hope you all understand this theory. I can arrange all the info but I can't complete it all by myself, because I'm not that capable. I can only say, co- operation is the best solution for all of us since we all want to be graduate safely. 

Fourth, I want to apologize to myself. I had no idea what I had done wrong to cause me in all these states. Probably it's just me who can't see my own mistakes but always spots others. Reflection done on myself. Most of them say I'm sarcastic. Then things happen, I don't know what to do. I changed, to become a better person, but do i success? In terms of not being sarcastic? No one tell me. I know if there's some one rules out my weakness, I guess it must be a lot. Friends always say I'm so pessimistic, look sad all the time, stressed. How am I not when I need something but I couldn't have? And I keep on making the same fucking mistakes in my life. If I can't really cope with my school life, how am I going to cope the hospital life?? I seriously had no idea.