Attachment..

Since attachment started, I had no time to blog till today. I have a lot to say, but don't know where to start.

Intro my CI first, Ms. Lee Soi Moi, a new clinical instructor in NUH, I don't know how much she really know about nursing, but she's really very irritating. To me, she is no difference if compare with Nancy Chua.

Nancy said I had no improvement in my communication, even those China girls had improved a lot. I'm not agree with that, not saying that I'm jealous or angry but this is not true. They maybe dare to talk more but their skills are just not that good, and things that we think or rational told us to do in such a way, but they failed to do so. Anyway, I was also have a lot of things that need to be improve in. Which is need to be dare to talk and smile more, whereby all those superficial stuffs.

This is not the first time I encounter this problem, even though I know how to do the procedure, but when the lecturer is here to assess me, I become nervous and tend to be confused on what I should and suppose to do.

I don't know why, even my patient know I'm nervous.. Some how, for these points, I'm such a failure.

I asked mom to call me, I told her what happen. She said, I'm like her. Not good in acting, she teach me that I should behave like how the supervisor wanted me to behave, its just to please them, so that it will help in our carreer.

Thanks to Katija, I can hang on till now in every posting. She help me a lot. No matter in any aspect. I know I'm quite irritate her but yet she still willing to help me. Thank god.

Well, sometimes, I felt that I'm quite useful in the cubicle, only applied when I was being able to do some procedures. Anyway, some staff nurses also can't finish a simple things that had to be done. So what more to us as student nurses. I just don't understand why our presentation have to be given marks by those stupid CI.. What a pethatic system...

Mom called me today. She said she missed me. I think she's worried about me because I was complained about my posting and the problems that I faced here. Not only I faced problems, she also faced the domestic problems. I missed her so much..

Out of sudden, not really out of sudden, should say... Sometimes, whenever I saw a pair of old husband and wife, they walk and holding hands together, I'll asked myself, why my parents not like that? Why they can't being so lovey? I never see them since 10 years ago. And whenever I saw a middle age man, a father who feed his daughter, my father's face will flash across my mind. I don't understand, under my conscious mind, I hate him a lot. But when I face all these situation, I'll think of him.

Mom also worried about him, worrying that father might get stroke or heart attack. Although she said he is annoying, getting her nerves, but I can see that she's really care about him, just that father don't know how to appreciate her. Instaed of cherrish her hardwork, he kept on finding fought with her. Ego man!!

I grown up without a father, although I have a father who is still alive right now. But I thought I just have mother, when I was really very young. Until now, the feeling is still the same.

Felt very insecure these days. Unknown reason.

Well, I don't know what to add on anymore.

i need.. i have to..

He rejected me, i asked him what he mean by saying "not now" when i asked him "who am I to you now?"

He said he is not ready for anything, let us be friends.

I had waited for 1 whole week, no one let me waited for so long, heart broken. It bleed. I cried out like a baby, even though I kept remind myself that do not have hope for him.

and he told me i wanted everything to be fast, but he can't. If that so, why he treat me like his gf during our outing?? If he was not prepared, just don't touch me. Please don't give me hope and then just withdraw it from me like it was just as easy as it seen. It was not easy to forget about you, it took me a longer time than i could expected. Haiz.. I am so complicated...

Happy 6th months anniversary

Today, 7th of January. It's my 6th months anniversary of being single. So long..

Actually had planned for k- box but due to some of the financial problem, we called off the plan. Before that, I had some misunderstand with Ting. I thought she was angry, and surprisingly, I don't know why I still wait for her, although have thought of just go home instead of just waiting, but i decided to wait. Maybe just tried to change my attitude and temper. She is a good friend after all. We went for MOS burger and blue berry cheese cake for her, black forest for me. Then we shop at Fairprice. Bought some groceries, and learned something from her.She ask me to get a new boyfriend before my 7th months anniversary, sounds funny to me...

Nominated 5 girls to be my good friend: Chin, Shuang, Huali, Indah and Ting. Even though I know their good friend may not including me, but well, that's their position deep down in my heart. Thanks for accompany me whenever I needed help.

Unexpected thing happen before our presentation, Aimillie did not appear for our presentation due to overslept and teacher ask us to postpone it to next week. Had to suffer for another week. Haiz.. it's fated.. Sara cried due to disappointment. Leo look down on our group, it's quite normal but I didn't expect others group except GROUP 4 will know how sucks our subgroup is. He might be clever and knowledgeable, but the ethical is not there. At least leave some dignity for us, can? Thank you..

Sometimes, my mind just stop at the sweet memory that he gave me. My new year started with a good sweet dream. All these are just memories that I can flash back. Will not happen again in future, I think.. After 1 week, I think I had already adopted the life without missing him too much. Congrates to me that I succesfully control my mind..

Maybe you're wondering what's my emotion when I write this posting. I'm in peace and calm mood.

School starts!!!

Schools starts today. It starts with horrible, fear and anxiety. Because we have 2 presentations in one day. But luckily we managed to pass. Although some of our content is not that enough for a higher marks, but at least we are in the right track for all that.

Presentation means team work, and at the same time, we as a group accumulate some conflict, and due to some insufficient of sleep, Indah become more sensitve. And my sarcasticsm came back unconciously, hurt her. But we manage to open up and settle things in the end, I'm quite happy that she's willing to open up to me. I told her that she's not only just a group member to me, but much more than that, like Shuang and Huali.Sara also the same.

Anyway, 2 down, 2 to go. I like the feeling of being busy. Today really experienced how time flies. Woke up at 7am, after that we boost for our presentation. And by the time I realized, it's already 6pm. It's really flies. Hahaha..

I hope can have these days in future till.... I can't take it anymore. Hahaha... Maybe after 2 weeks, i'll starts to regret that I like busy days.. hahah

thanks

I just want to say thanks to him, make me realize that how the real world is, full with myst and lies. All these tests will just prepare me to be a stronger girl.

Heart pain and heart broken whenever I missed him. This is harder than what I can imagine. I felt so tiny, this feeling.. i had it before, when I was 18.. It's terrible, I cried like hell, and mom knew it, I just cant hide it from her, told her that I loved him so much that I want to give it a try by begging him back to me.. But I wasn't succeed. Because he already had a new girlfriend but he didn't dare to let me know, but still told me that he still have feeling for me. What a sucks guy he is, if he wasn't a friend that we grow up together since childhood, I'll definately kicked his little brother.

And after a few years, that feeling came back again. And again, I felt so tiny, sometimes, feel that I have to step back and give in in relationship, but somehow, it just make me feel tiny and not worth it. Can some one please tell me what is worth it and what is not? I'm so confused. Should just ask for the truth or just let the truth blind my eyes and heart? I'm not that kind of person who like to hide from the truth. But yet, even though he told me the truth, will there any changes that will be made? I think it will change my life, from knowing nothing to realize everything.

negative...

Can't sleep at this timing, because I just slept at 11pm, and wake up at 3am. Even though I'm sleeping, but my mind flies. That make me can't sleep well.

Went out with him on 1/1/ 2010. To M'sia. Accidentally met Cindy and her bf. It wasn't good, because I don't like her at all, but yet, still need to say HI..

Just like had a sweet dream for the whole day. It was turned up side down when I asked a stupid question and it was not answered. I hope the feeling to me is true, hoping all the feeling was down to earth, so that I won't think all the negative things about myself.

Indah said, don't ask too much, you're chasing him away. Like it or not, don't bother. How can I don't bother? Only if I'm that cheap, I will not bother.

Maybe, I'm really that cheap after all.. please help me stay strong...

Maybe after this, I'm really gonna turned myself to a boyish girl..